First off, I want to acknowledge that although I grew up celebrating Christmas, not everyone does. Secondly, I’m questioning the long-standing Christmas tradition of telling kids “If you aren’t good, Santa won’t bring you any gifts” and shining light on how to talk to kids about Santa, and other imaginary beings, in general.
You might disagree with me. And that’s okay! I have faith and trust in you to respectfully disagree. So, thanks, in advance for reading.
Here it goes…
When I was two years old my parents told me that Santa Claus didn’t exist.
Most people I tell this to, let out a long sighing, “Ohhhh!” as if I just told them that my dog died. But for me knowing the truth about Santa did NOT destroy the magic of Christmas when I was growing up.
When our own kids were young we did the same thing and told them that Santa was pretend.
The “you be good this year otherwise Santa won’t give you any gifts” aspect of Christmas is a little problematic for parents, like you and me, who are trying to raise their kids with the knowledge that they are loved unconditionally–that kids don’t have to “be good” to deserve our love.
But my discomfort with Santa doesn’t end there.
Historically the story of Santa is actually about unconditional love; it’s the story of Saint Nicholas
Nicholas, an early Christian, secretly gave money three separate times for three sisters whose father didn’t have enough money for a dowry for them to get married. During the night he snuck the money into their stockings. But one night the father caught St. Nicholas, Nick asked for him to keep his secret. St. Nick gave to this family unconditionally because of his love for God.
By contrast, the modern story of Santa sounds like surveillance, stuffing your feelings down, and not expressing your emotions
“You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry, you’d better not pout I’m telling you why. . . He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake . .” Those lyrics are just creepy! I think that kids need to have privacy, space away from adults, and the freedom to fully express their feelings.
We want our kids to know that we love them unconditionally
No matter what our children do, our love for them will never diminish. I don’t like all the things my child does, but I always love her, for everything she is and everything she isn’t. In that loving space, I find ways to teach her to be more of who she is meant to be.
Behavioral science tells us that we get more enjoyment from being kind to others when we don’t get anything in return
When our kids act kindly out of the goodness in their hearts, not because of threats or bribes, it is naturally reinforcing because it feels good. By contrast, according to the research, kids who get rewarded for doing something “good” experience LESS intrinsic enjoyment, and are therefore LESS motivated to do that behavior again!
Telling kids lies–about Santa or anything else–doesn’t help build a trusting relationship with them
Kids trust us fully and need us to help them make sense of the world. They rely on us to be truthful. They rely on us for security and safety. I know kids who have gotten angry with their parents after hearing that “Santa isn’t real”. I also know kids who are frightened by Santa. I know a little girl who was so scared that a strange person was coming into their house in the middle of the night that she wouldn’t go to sleep on Christmas eve, finally her parents convinced her that it was actually a Christmas bunny who would deliver the gifts (a lie on top of a lie).
If gifts are unconditionally given, a child doesn’t have to worry about whether he’ll get gifts on Christmas and he is freed up to think of giving to other people
Christmas is about giving, not receiving, right? A problem occurs when parents use gifts as a reward for “good behavior”; it forces kids to think more about “getting” and distracts them from their focus on “giving”. If gifts are conditionally given, kids focus on themselves. If gifts are given unconditionally, kids can focus on others, and giving unconditionally to them as well.
Telling kids the truth about Santa does not take away the magic of Christmas
The fun of Santa is playing the “Santa game”: writing a letter to Santa, leaving out cookies and milk, having the gifts appear magically overnight! You can still play the “Santa game” (I did and I still do!) and have all the magic of Christmas while still telling your kids the truth. Kids can handle the duality of knowing that Santa is real and isn’t real all at the same time. They can still believe in magic! You may not be taking anything away from them.
Want scripts for HOW to talk to your kids about Santa? Get the details here.
Get 6 no-cost gift ideas that will make your family stronger.
Now I’m curious about you. Tell me in the comments section… How have you handled telling/not telling your kids about Santa? How do you preserve the magic of Christmas?
And if you’d like more on this topic on read about “Why I Hate Elf on the Shelf”…
I totally agree with you Cecilia. I grew up without the the “Santa Lie,” and Christmas was just as wonderful and magical for me. And now my 5 children who don’t believe in Santa, feel the same. The magic of Christmas is the goodwill, the spirit of giving, and believing in the REAL, reason for our celebration; Jesus Christ.
I believe children should be told the truth about what Christmas means, and not to use the holiday season as a way to use bribery or reinforce a wrong core belief inside them about them, such as ” I must strive to be accepted”, “I must …” “I must…” I used to tell my children, “We do not believe in the fake Santa, but we can still celebrate Christmas and I will buy you presents, and we can open them on Christmas” Children deserved to be told the truth and to be loved unconditionally. That is the reason for the season anyway, God loves us unconditionally.
When my children have asked “Is Santa real?” I reply, “Santa is real like the fairies are real.”
The context is that my children have a fairy garden in our yard that feels magical to them. They often leave letters for the fairies and I reply on their behalf—I intentionally don’t disguise my handwriting, and I’m not careful about always being unseen when I leave presents and letters from the fairies. In short, it’s obvious to everyone (though unspoken) that I’m acting the part of the fairies. My kids sometimes ask me to do specific things and I play along.
We play Santa (and elf on the shelf) in a similar way. They sometimes suggest “maybe the elves could do xyz” and I make it happen. I also invite them to be part of the story—they’ve named the elves, play with them like toys, and together we’ve invented a whole back story about Santa’s life.
My kids have never asked questions about whether Santa is literally true because they know he’s not, just as they’ve never asked me whether their dolls and stuffed animals are literally real. It also allows kids to join in the fun as long as they think it’s fun—no belief is ever required, and no fun is ever ruined by the truth.
I agree with you ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!! Our son has known that Santa is pretend since he was about 3, and was completely unphased by it, and still loves Christmas. He understands that we do not lie to him, and he really appreciates it. He is 9 years old now. I have always felt sad that Santa is used as a manipulation tool to bribe/threaten children into misbehaving. I feel the same way about elf on a shelf. I’m so proud of you for posting this article, knowing that some of the people may not agree. Good for you!!! I always look forward to reading your articles and emails. Thank you!
I see no reason to tell a child there's no Santa. It's not about lying to them, it's about the magic. They get to an age where they suddenly realize there's no Santa, but they were glad for the magic that they got while it lasted. They didn't lose faith in their parents for 'lying' to them.
Cynthia, I believe what you are talking about is true for some children. But in my experience talking with adults about this topic some adults did lose faith in their parents. The point that I am trying to make is as parents we can do BOTH… we can make Christmas a magical experience while not risking a rupture in our relationship if our kids think that we’ve lied to them.
Tammy, I appreciate what you’ve said here. Let’s hold on to the magic. And I think we can still hold on to the magic, while we are telling the truth, “playing the Santa game”, and telling our kids sweet stories about Santa who gives to others, and how we can be Santa for others too.
I’ve always had this conflict, explaining to my kids, and now my grandkids, that I believe in Santa Claus, and I believe in the magic of Christmas. Now, my little grandson says it’s a lie that parents always tell their children. But to me, it’s a feeling that we’ve drawn a picture of all those magical feelings, the lights and music and good will, and it comes together looking like the Santa Claus in the Coca-Cola pictures. I believe in the way Christmas feels, and I believe that’s how it looks… And however everything ends up under the tree is just irrelevant. It’s part of the fun of believing in magic, and of appreciating gifts, and of how amazing it feels to give.
my whole family never belived in santa. im still a kid, so its really awkward when my friends talk about santa. one time, my friend wanted to show me her two elfs on the shelf. we never belived in santa because it takes the meaning away from christmas. a totaly christian holiday about jesus (im not saying santa isn’t a non christian thing) turened into if your’e good you get toys but if you do anything wrong, you are not getting anything but coal for christmas. i just dont like that idea. i’m always so happy to find out one of my friends doesn’t belive in santa, when almost every one of my friends belives in him. it’s also fun i can relate to you.
sincerely, SpaRkLEs719
Yes, we can relate! Thanks for sharing, Sparkles!
I’ve not heard of saturnalia before. Interesting.
I think if kids feel they were betrayed by their parents that they “lied to them” about Santa Claus, real parental guidance and missteps are present and need to be addressed. Your experience is yours, and you know no other in regards to Santa. My younger brother (by three years) told me Santa Claus wasn’t real when I was five. I don’t hold it against him and he doesn’t feel betrayed by the older kid that convinced him he wasn’t real. My sane thoughts have been echoed above by Jamie. Get yourself together and focus on the other parts of your article (which I do agree with) Love and guide your children but take responsiblity for our sol called “victimized” circumstances. Our children need their EQ match their IQ. Start with the bull**** that climate change isn’t real. Or that a college education today, offers your child the same opportunities it did 20 years ago. There are real issues at stake for their coming adult lives. Leave the big man out of the truth and lies column.
Weldon, thanks for what you’ve contributed here.
Well, here’s the raw and real story: For those of you who are God fearing and seek the truth.
SANTA CLAUS—St. Nicholas is thought to be a fine old saint in the church, but not so. It is true that there may have been a Nicholas, bishop of Myra, who lived in the fourth century and was said to have helped the poor. But Santa Claus was named after another “old Nick.”
The legend of Santa Claus is quite similar to those of the ancient Egyptian god, Bes. Bes was a short rotund god who was said to give gifts to children. They were told he lived in the far north, where he spent most of the year making toys for them.
The Roman god, Saturn, was similar and probably copied from Bes. He too was said to live in the northernmost part of the world, making gifts for children who were good. The Romans said he was the one who, each December, brought them the gifts of the new year.
The names, “Santa Claus” and “Kriss Kringle,” do not go as far back into history. “Sant Nikolaas” (Sant- Ni-Klaus) and “Kriss Kringle” are from the German “Christ Krindl,” or “Christ Child.” So we have here a counterfeit Christ.
Parents punish their children for telling falsehoods, then tell them this big one in December! Later, when their children are grown, they wonder why they question the existence of God.
Teach your children about Jesus Christ—their best Friend, their only Saviour, and the only One who can really bring them the gifts they need. Do not waste time telling them myths; lest, when they grow older, they will not believe the realities you tell them of.
Reading from the book: The Real Story Behind Christmas, Easter and Halloween
May the Lord bring truth and light into your lives. Maranatha.
I hadn’t heard this history before. Thanks for sharing it. I’m not sure that we would agree on all the details that you’ve laid out here, but I appreciate your perspective.
I have a totally different view..
Santa exist to children due to faith, the same way that Jesus exists to adults. due to faith. So if you wish to keep consistent with your perspective, then tell the truth about Religon also
Thanks for your comment. Telling the truth to kids is actually the point that I’m trying to make here. I believe that we can and should tell the truth to kids. What would it sound like to tell the truth to children about Jesus and Santa, as you recommend? In what ways is your view different than mine? I’m curious about your perspective. Thanks!
i think jesus should exist to all ages with faith
We don’t personally celebrate Christmas, though there are other things/holidays that we do celebrate and as mum I bring the magic to all of it. My children all know the truth of each of these celebrations and have a deeper connection to them because of the truth.
The way I see it, knowing that Mickey Mouse is a character and that a ‘cast member’ is playing him or Ariel at Disneyland didn’t change the magic for the worse at all for my children.
They also knew from the beginning that if they lose a tooth, they’ll tell us and wake up to a special celebration. I’ve never had to lie to my children because of this understanding and it feels best this way, for me.
I don’t think the Santa Claus lie makes your kids distrustful. I have so many fun memories revolving around Santa. I am so thankful my parents played Santa, Easter bunny and tooth fairy. I would have been really bummed had I not got to participate in that. I don’t think we should take that away from kids just because the world has gotten so sensitive.
Thanks for sharing here. I hope to inspire parents that they can do both… they can still give kids the experience, the magic, the imaginative play, while also being honest with their children.
wow, you belived in the easter bunny, santa, and the tooth fairy! my family never belived in any of those things.
i’m still a kid.
-SpaRkLEs719
You had a lot to say. Thanks for contributing to the conversation here.
That’s an interesting point.
“But…when children are at an age when they believe there is a monster under their bed no matter how much their parents assure them to the contrary, allowing kids to believe in a benign old man who leaves toys for them is a nice counterpoint.”
Don’t you see the problem here, though? In one instance, parents are insisting to their children that monsters are not real, and in the same breath insisting that Santa is real.
Even at an early age, children need you to tell the truth. If you tell them “Santa isn’t real, just like we know that dragons, fairies and goblins aren’t real, but we can still pretend and have fun anyway!”, I know that children can still experience delight and fantasty, and are way more receptive to that than if you told them outright lies.
– Source: mother to four young boys
Agreed! Thanks for your comment.
Leticia, we explained to our kids that different families did different things. Even in the preschool classroom we validated the feelings and thoughts for kids who said they believed AND for kids who said that they didn’t believe. Because families value different things, anytime kids are together in a group there are bound to be various things that kids do/don’t agree upon…. including politics, when to give kids cell phones, etc… Hope that helps!
Janice, it sounds like you really wanted to be able to trust in your parents, and the pain of not being able to trust them is still with you today.
This sounds very similar to my experience growing up.
The “Santa Claus Lie” destroyed my relationship with my parents. Once I learned they had LIED to me about Santa, my 10-year old mind began asking “What else will they lie about?” I never trusted them. I never believed anything they told me, especially when they said they loved me, wanted good things for me, etc. The Santa lie was always there, and at the age of 79 it still is! I had great difficulty loving and respecting my parents because of this lie, and it saddens me that I never had a real relationship with my parents. Santa Claus is a lie. There is no other way to see it. There is no justification for telling lies to little children. People can say it’s entering their world of make believe, that it keeps the magic alive, whatever excuse they want BUT a lie is a lie is a lie, and it always will be.
Love this! Pretty much what we were thinking as well. I do have a question, when your little ones started going to school did you talk to them about not saying to other kids? On the one hand I don’t want them to lie to other people or act like they believe when they don’t, but I also don’t want to disrespect other families traditions. What did you do, what worked and what didn’t?
From the time they were little my four girls do Santa wasn’t real, but that he once was a person way in the past who showed love and kindness to others. Even today when we talk about it my kids laugh that people would think it was hurtful to them. They love Christmas and still know the truth. They say it never hurt them or made them feel bad or anything knowing that the traditional Santa wasn’t real.
Thought I might weigh in about a decade after posting ! So here is the thing – kids don’t need to be told – lying is bad never lie. They need to be taught lying is powerful and can have positive and negative consequences. That’s why, for instance, the 10 comandments doesn’t say ‘don’t lie’ it says ‘don’t bear false witness against your neighbour’. ‘Lying’ in the form of say pretence or acting or protecting someone or certain forms of joking are all healthy. Saying lying is bad is unhealthy. Lying is powerful, deceit motivated by gain or power or avoidance are all powerfully dangerous. Be good parents tell your kids that father Christmas is real for God’s sake, they love it. Tell them to be good or the dragon will come, tell them to be good, tell them if they are brave they can kill the dragon and save their community and get the princess and the gold. Tell them that fairies are real and the moon is made of cheese (they will only look at the moon and wonder) tell them anything that delights them. Be sure and make your stories have a point. Bad people (liars for example) come to a sticky end narcissism harms everyone around the villain who is punished by reality ‘nature’ in the end. As Einstein said if you want your kids to be smart tell them fairy stories – want them to be smarter – tell them more fairy stories. If they believe in the truth of them all the better. Better they understand that truth at the cost / benefit of believing in magic. The physicists increasingly think consciousness has a bearing on matter so what the hell do we really know about magic anyway. As I think HG Wells said at a certain point magic and technological advance is indistinguishable. Father Christmas is just a symbol for magical abundance even if that amounts to an Asda chicken roast potatoes and low cost trimmings and. He symbolises an embodiment of the generosity of ages, man to his species planting trees we’ll never shade under – its amazing and true and my kids know it. Blimey I am getting Christian in my old age !
Glen, I thanks for your post here. I agree with a lot of what you’ve said.
Hi Cecilia, nice post.
I agree children can handle the duality of Santa being “real”/magic and not being real at all.
Children loves playing pretend and having fun while understanding the truth.
Sometimes adults somehow underestimate the capabilities of children being able to understand seemingly complicated things. My son knows that Santa isn’t real since he was 3.
A bit off-topic but for emphasis on children being smart enough to understand: He understood the concept of sex and how babies are formed since he was four. And now at 7 yrs old he was exclaming how ridiculous it is for people to spend money buying cigarettes that just harms their health.
I agree with you Mini May. Children can understand so much more than we might expect. It’s great that you have such “grown up” conversations with him.
I told my children that it was a game. They got to play and I didn’t lie. They knew santa wasn’t real but a game Luke the idea of reindeer flying. I honestly didn’t want the first person they’d trust besides me to be a lie.
I heard your honest feelings. As kids we believe our parents. I heard you believed in Santa and that is a beautiful belief. I get it’s hard to go against adults or populalar belief. May I offer up to you perhaps they’re incorrect? Part of creating is believing even when no one else does.
Great topic, couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I will get to Santa by way of his spring time pal The Easter Bunny. My son was just about 7 yrs old one Easter Morning. He hadn’t showed any signs of being suspcious, so I planned the normal shindig. I had Ben up most the night cooking , filling cupcakes, making baskets and had not hidden the eggs yet. Well around 9:30 my dad and family start trickling in. I was trying to get my half (conviently) deaf pop to go and hide the eggs in the yard. Well, I notice my son being very interested in my actions.” Whatya doing mom” kinda stuff. I tried to no avail get him to go do something and he wasn’t having it.
That’s when I knew he KNEW!! My dad saying “where in the yard” 10 decimals higher than I was speaking made me sweat. The gig was up. I stood in that kitchen tired, excited for the day and now looked like a guilty man at trial after they plunck down the smoking gun.
He saw it in my face I in his. I couldn’t keep up the rouse. Every adult scattered like bugs in light. Haha
I uttered his name “Christop” before I could finish he belted out, “you lied to me, you lied to me” I stood their feeling mortified, scared I had ruined his day, his childhood magic.
It makes me tear up now to recall it.
I saw his anger, he hated me in that moment. I felt like the Grinch in his moment of heart, mine a more indignate of course and said, “I did not” and held out my hand to shake his and stated, Hi Chris, I”m the Easter Bunny you busted me”
That was the day I learned sometimes a parent just has to do the best they can.
Later that week… “Ah Chris we need to talk about Santa.”
Thanks for sharing your story, Melody!
That’s sweet, Fred! We did too!
Agreed, Thomas… and some parents feel pressure from other parents not to spoil “the fun” for their kids. It’s tricky. Even in my extended family, we have to keep supporting the Santa story for a nephew.
Selina, you already have your answer. Play the game like any other game. Have fun. A 2-year-old is still figuring out what is real and pretend anyway. He might even believe in Santa for a while, as he’s working out what is real and not real. Trust in his development to figure it out and enjoy pretending too!
There is no perfect answer to this. You could say to your kids “Now you are old enough to know that Santa is a fun game that we play” and invite them to continue to play the game. Or you could decide that the Santa story is pretty harmless and let them find out on their own. I think it depends on your situation, the ages of your kids, and if they are experiencing any negative results from it.
I’m curious why your mom says that Santa is real? Have you asked her why? That could be an interesting conversation.
Hi every body,
I am so enjoying all of your stories and theories.However, I’m a bit confused with some of your platforms.
Please bare with me for a bit; why are we so willing to give into the lie. Who told you Santa isn’t real? Your parent, other kids, yourself? I knew way before my mother told me. That truth never made me feel betrayed or lied to, not once. In fact I saw what mom would become for me. Why? Because I believed the basic truth. To believe.
Okay, I loved God so much I knew he could do anything.
My truth in that belief grew. I believe still today. Now, knowing the truth for me today means yes there was an actually person who lived some years after Christ named Saint Nicholas. Truth is I just learned the truth of his story last night. I was Inspired by many of you to google. I found something amazing. His story. We know he existed because of his remains are housed in a burial site in Italy.
We know his lifes work to follow Christ ways. He gave to so many and had a special place with children ( no mistake) We know he lived and died and was given sainthood. We know he maybe lives in heaven. Like God and Jesus.
Ole Nicholas evolved through the years like many things do into Santa Claus. Lover of children, giver of gifts and protector. I’d say close enough for jazz .
So, if this is all true Santa did exist he’s just with God and his good bro Jesus . Now, if we know and believe this how can we tell the lie that he isn’t real. Things change when people go to heaven, we are if I’m not mistaken to do as Christ has done ,especially in his physical absence. If, we take on Christ like habits why not saint nicks as well. Us parents are lovers and protectors and giver of gifts to our children are we not?
If, we say he is not real, but know the evolution of him then we would also deny Christ. Can’t see him knew he existed left us a book even and started a church, evidence right?
So stop perpetuating the lie and denying yourself and your children the beautiful reality of truth.
I propose when we become so frightened of losing trust in our children over the wrong things we keep them from learning the truth about a lie.
My son Christopher lied to me long before he ever new my little secret. So, it was not me who taught him to not trust me he already thought he was clever to deceive me.
I believe the anger I saw, felt and heard that day about easter bunny dude was him being mad he figured it out on his own. Moms are supposed to be knower all. He was already thinking he was smarter when he thought his lies were believed.
Not at all. I just handle it with love understanding and teaching him the value to not lie for deceit. I did not scream or yell or hate him.
Children have to figure these truths within themselves. No amount of Santa is real or fake by us delineate anyones awakening. Truth of life, the world themselves gotta come from them.
We help it though with our precious traditions pass it on, based in belief found in truth.
I agree I’m not found of the bee good crap or else, but even that says who do you want to be? Hey listen the good and the bad rains us all right? So, you choose. Ya may not get that 3609 pellet gun to poke your eye out with but you’ll get you’ll get.
Ez up, kids are (for the most part) not smarter or wiser than you. When they think they are they can be little poop heads. Trust me. Keep your advantage your going to need it. Just an idea
I agree with you Cajole! “love your children no matter what, give them the love and attention they CRAVE…it comes down to who you are as a parent” Couldn’t have said it better myself!
My ex was on the phone with our daughter near him… she’s asking if either of us can buy her hot wheels and dad says, “You have to ask Santa. Have you been a good or bad girl?” I told him we’ve already discussed there’s no Santa. He exclaimed, what, no Santa?!
He had my baby end the conversation abruptly. I decided to do this because these days, kids don’t want to believe in God, much less a Santa. My daughter is too clairvoyant for that. I had a bad experience with my twins trusting me again after telling them so I’m not trying to have a repeat of that.
I agree, that sometimes it is hard for children to trust their parents after they learn the truth about Santa.
So I’m still 11 turning 12this month but I fully agree with this claim you made, I think my sister being the oldest feels for some reason obligated to be like a third parent, this ties into Santa. Because she held on to “The magic of Christmas” for way too long I feel.
Thanks for sharing! You are quite an articulate 11 year old. :)
Last night, after badgering, I told my son the truth. He’s 10 and I didn’t want him teased for believing. He seemed to take it OK at first. But then he was super upset, hurt, angry, sad… I explained the story of St Nicholas and how he inspired people to give, and that he was a real person. Now he says there’s no point in celebrating Christmas. What do I do to help make this better?
Joanna, you can try having empathy for him. “It makes sense that you’d be sad about this. You feel differently about Christmas and that’s hard right now. When you’re ready let’s talk about how to celebrate this year. We can still do all the same things… put out cookies and milk, etc… if you want.” Think of ways together to celebrate the magic of Christmas, maybe by surprising other people (like giving gifts to less fortunate kids).
Hey there. So I stumbled across this article simply because I was looking for ideas of how to possibly share with my 7 year old the truth about Santa. We’ve always done the “traditional Christmas” not that we go all out in any sense (I actually suck at being Santa tooth fairy Easter bunny lol 😂). As I grow in Christ I find myself less and less comfortable with it all. There is so much deeper beauty and magic in knowing the real God of the universe and His son there’s no need to create a false sense of magic to me. That’s neither here nor there though.
I have an older son (15yo) whos always been a skeptic. I stunk at being the magic so bad it just casually became a joke in our house (whelp our lazy tooth fairy sucks she forgot to come again) and so there was never any “magic ruining” he just joined in the joke. My 7yo is much more into the magic of it all. I set out this morning looking for fun ways to reveal the truth of it all to him outside of the “now you become Santa” story. Any ideas? I totally understand how some would disagree with my wanting to tell him. I get it. However, I see my son sucked into the man created “magic” and losing sight of the real magic of our savior and the God who loves him unconditionally. Any ideas on sharing the truth with him in love?
Jacquelyn, I think you already have the answer. The tradition of Santa comes from St. Nick who loved Jesus so much that he gave gifts to others. We give gifts to others on Christmas to remind ourselves of God’s unconditional love for us. Hope that helps!
Hey there Cecilia. I just recently got out of a really toxic and controlling environment. Everything I did for my son and I wasn’t up to me nor was it up for discussion. Anyway I never wanted to tell my son about Santa but because of how things were he was told about him. He is now five. Now that I can do you think I should tell him? How should I?
Lynn, I would follow your instinct with this situation. If you feel you need to tell him then do so. Maybe you can tell him that “moms and dads tell their kids about Santa until the child reaches a certain age to hear the truth and become one of Christmas’s helpers. You are old enough to become a helper for other people and help make Christmas for them” (or something like that) so that you are also explaining why you didn’t tell him earlier.
I found out when I was 11 yrs old that Santa and much other things don’t exist it was sad because I felt I lost half of my child hood but either though I knew that Santa wasn’t real I still believed in Santa clause
I agree we can still believe in Santa Claus… because the values of generosity, giving, joy, and play are universal.
welp im almost 14 and never knew santa wandt real now i know my mom just would always ignore when i asked so i looked it up! i been asking her since i was 12 im happy to finally know
also dont think you ruined my childhood! im happy i know now since im going to turn 14 this summer
It sounds like it worked out well for your daughter and your relationship.
I agree there is nothing wrong with creating magic. I believe that we can do that and still tell kids the truth.
I believe it is possible to keep the magic and the memories and to tell the truth to our children, without spoiling any of the fun.
Hi ya I’ve a wee 5 year old boy. We decided to tell him the truth about Santa and told him about Saint Nicholas. I’m just wondering how do I still create all the magic without Santa?
You can still have him create surprises for others and create surprises for him. We still put out cookies and milk for Santa (even though our kids are old now and know the truth). You can play “the game” (and give your child a wink at the same time).
I also agree that it’s important to keep the magic. And I believe that we can create wonderful memories AND tell the truth at the same time.
I agree that it’s important to keep the magic in Christmas and to support imagination. I think that, as parents we can do both–support imagination and tell the truth–without robbing our children of the magic, nor potentially hurting our relationship with our kids.
Its interesting to see your point of view. I intend to continue the tradition of santa Claus idea to my children. I don’t feel it is a lie but merely sugar coating the harsh reality of life. My belief is that people who tell they’re children santa doesn’t exist want self recognition that they bought the gift and no one else. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with creating magic for children, santa Claus is an idea but factually based on kindness of others. Yes you are being honest with your children however your taking away they’re sense of imagination, which in turn will affect creative ability in later adult life. I don’t think you can have the talk with someone under the age of 2 as they are still not fully aware. I wish you all a merry Christmas.
Sorry but I don’t feel this is right to take the magic of Christmas away from children. My husband and I went to great extents to keep the magic of Santa in our house for our kids and it wasn’t til kids at school told them that they had any idea. We did Teddy Bear teas, Santa calling, breakfast with Santa, Santa and mrs claus trolley ride, everything. We had milk and cookies and reindeer food, sprinkled reindeer food on lawn. I made Santa footprints from fireplace to rugs with snow on them. I left out wrapping paper and scissors and tape in case presents were ripped. We had special presents with names on bows. Our children believed for many many years longer than most. Now my son and daughter-in-law r bringing up their 1 year old daughter with no Santa and we r so saddened. Breaks my heart to know that we went to great details for the belief in the magic of Christmas and Santa Claus. We know it’s our daughter-in-law but son is going along. She didn’t have those wonderful memories being brought up as he did as her parents don’t even do presents. We shower her with gifts but it’s horrible how she’s taking such a wonderful sweet memory away from a child who has no choice. Our sweet granddaughter!
And she thinks we were horrible parents to baptize our children Catholic when they didn’t have a choice to decide. What a hypacrit!
Hello! I’m curious about the santa game. Can you please share more about what that looks like?
Sure! Playing the “Santa game” is writing a letter to him, or setting out milk and cookies, or putting out all the gifts so the kids wake up on Christmas morning with a surprise. That’s what I mean by the “Santa game”.
Thank you! I found your other article as well and that was very helpful!
I agree with what you’re saying. My 6-year-old, however, insists that Santa is real. (I’m going to read her the quick story of St. Nicholas you included!) The thing about being naughty or nice just reinforces the ineffective method of behavior modification. Anyone with a young child knows that this only works temporarily. Getting to the heart of the behavior is long-lasting. I don’t want my kid to “be good for goodness sake!” I want her to be good because that’s what’s in her heart. And you’re right…we want to build trust (instead of the lack of it) and can do so effortlessly throughout their childhood; why abandon that principle just because everyone else celebrates Santa? I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention the word “Christmas” and whose birthday we’re celebrating. We celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ (although he was really born in the spring!); and the whole message around Christ is about giving. This is ultimately what we hope to instill in our daughter–the true meaning of Christmas. And so, now I have a Christmas activity for her today. Thanks! Merry Christmas!
That’s wonderful! Merry Christmas, JCav!
i am a kid i am watching this :/
What do you think parents should tell their kids about Santa?
I love this! My little one is 4 this year and so excited about Christmas. We always visited Santa at the mall every year, we do the same with Mickey Mouse at Disney world. She’s starting to ask questions and I don’t want to ruin the fun for her, but I’ve never told her Santa brings her gifts. Idk how to have it still be fun for her and answer her questions without ruining the excitement she’s been displaying the last month. She wants to put cookies and milk out for Santa. I’m sitting here clueless on how to proceed. Help!
We have the same name (but I have only 1 n)! :) If I may offer a reply (until Cecilia replies)… I think you can still keep it fun for your daughter by making it about giving and maybe surprising others with gifts. If she can understand how it feels to open a surprise, then how much fun it’d be to make others feel the same way! You could start a tradition where she makes little surprises for other members of the family and hide them for the others to find. Raising a child who enjoys giving is probably one of the best things to invest in their little hearts. You can still have fun play-pretending Santa like you would other characters. At least at her age, pretending is already super fun!
Agreed! You can still do all the pretend things.. setting out milk and cookies even. Follow your child’s lead. Give things in secret to others! Have fun!
I totally agree. My mom–who would be100 in January if she were alive–was taught Santa and spanked for lying about other things. When she found out there wasn’t a Santa, she felt betrayed. We three kids weren’t taught Santa but Christmas was magical. We understood why out friends got more presents–not because we weren’t loved by Santa but because our Dad had less money. My hisband and I didn’t teach Santa but our youngest, now 40, liked to pretend. From about age 2, she always said daily the week before Christmas that Santa would bring her and her two siblings a gift. So we always labeled one from Santa. She knew he wasn’t real but it was fun to pretend. I do believe in being honest. If we teach Santa and Jesus Christ and then our kids find out Santa isn’t real, what does that do to their belief in Jesus Christ?
I love what you’ve shared here, Edith. We can still keep the magic and teach the truth.
How about an article “7 Reasons to Tell Your Kids the Truth About Jesus (and Still remain Christian)”
:)
If I didn’t figure out that Santa Claus was fake when I was really young (2), I would probably be pretty upset that he gave me gifts and my parents didn’t. I would expect some gifts from Santa and some from my parents as well. I would be further confused as to why relatives and Santa gave me gifts and my parents didn’t.
Yes, Danielle those are some of the stories that I’ve heard… kids who are upset or feel betrayed.
When I was growing up I hated Santa Claus as a kid . I was scared of Santa because I didn’t like the concept of a man coming into your home on spying on you 24/7 . Or being scared that you might get coal if your not good enough. And I totally agree with you Cecilia ! . However growing up in a Christian home then realizing how Santa robbed what Christmas was really about just made me upset after all Christmas is when we celebrate Baby Jesus birthday which is a very important holiday to me .Also trusting my parents on a lie then learning it was just a story caused me to have trust issues .But now I still do celebrate Christmas and I think it is a completely fun holiday to enjoy even withought telling your kids about Santa !
River, that’s great to keep the fun and the joy of the holiday without the unnecessary lies!
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m pregnant and have always had an issue with lying to children (well, to anyone), and have been debating how I’ll handle the “Santa” thing when he’s older. I love your ideas, your viewpoint, and your candor. I appreciate you!
You’re welcome, Molly! Congrats on being pregnant!
You’re welcome, Gio!
In my opinion, having your child believe in “Santa Claus” is just terrible parenting. Lying to your child and saying Santa Claus is real even though it’s just you, that’s ruining you trust relationship between you and your child and or children. When you do tell them Santa Claus isn’t real, they will most likely assume that your lying about other things as well.This is coming from a 12 year old, I also accused my mom of lying to me about other things. Me and my mom don’t have the best relationship, I’m not saying it’s because she lied about Santa Claus, I’m just saying that’s what started it, the lying. I recommend you don’t lie to your kids anymore. If you already have lied to them, I recommend you tell the truth. I know this might hurt their little heart but it’s for the best, trust me when they are older they will thank you. Christmas is about family and being together and being grateful not about Santa Claus. This is the best advice I can give you coming from a 12 year old. Have a nice day and have a great Christmas!! Sending love from Australia!! XOXO have a great year! (Those are friendly kisses not love kisses mate) We like to do that in Australia. Bye! Reply back to me if you have any questions on my answer to your comment.
Wow, Sarah! This is really eloquent advice. Thank you.
Well said! I often say how even though “I turned out OK,” I do remember how disappointed I was when I realize that my dad built that dollhouse I got at 5 years old–not Santa; how my grandmother sewed my puppy dog pillow, not Mrs. Claus. It was impacting enough that now, at 40 years old, I can still remember the emotion I felt. The less of these types of things our kids have to etch into their own heart memories, the better I say! Cheers to your Christmas, mate! :)
It’s strange to think how when we were growing up that adults in our life gave imaginary characters the credit for gifts that our real life family members made for us! :(
is santa real
What do you believe?
do you beleave in him
It’s not important what I believe. Tune into your heart. You get to believe what you want to believe.
I used to believe Santa Claus was real, I’m 12 years old now and I don’t believe he’s real. For about 3 years now I haven’t believed he was a real person. I found this out from the kids at school, they would always tell me “Oh he’s so not real, grow up” So, I haven’t believed in Santa to this day. I still pretend every Christmas that I still believe in him, even though I know he isn’t real and that it’s just my parents putting the presents out. I pretend for my mom because I think she has a lot of fun pretending to be Santa Claus. Also, to be honest, I just like getting more presents every Christmas. I don’t believe Christmas is about Santa, I mean for some kids yes, others they believe it’s about coming together and being grateful. I am one of those people. I enjoy the idea of Santa Claus for little kids, I think it brings a little joy into their Christmas. But, I don’t like the idea of lying to your kid, I think at a certain age you should tell your kids it’s not real. Sure, it might break their heart but it’s the truth! When I am at the age when I can have kids, I don’t want to lie to them and say theirs a “Santa Claus”. I believe that saying stuff like that and lying to them just breaks up your trust relationship with your child. It’s not fair to you or them. They might wonder why there is a Santa at the mall or why their friends believe in him but, you should always tell the truth to your kids even if it breaks their little heart.
Thank you for your article, it was very refreshing. It is imperative that we as parents continue to reinforce honesty and clarity in our children not only thru our spoken word but also by our actions, modeling a healthy way of engagement and a balanced stable creation of their narrative about attachment of meanings as well as toward creating a purposeful life built on safety and security. Children trust us and it is our duty to navigate that with care and respect to assist them to actualize their own self and full potential in a way that stands up to time and challenges of life as building blocks toward a healthy body and mind, facilitating inner harmony and peace with logic and reason so that they can fully experience their life in a balanced way that is self- sustaining and enjoyable without relying on irrational beliefs and unrealistic values that later come around creating distress and landing them in psychotherapy for resolution.
And to keep the kids happy for Christmas we should give them the best gifts possible. You know, something fun, something educational, kind of like that.
Agreed, Anna. Safety and security are important!
I agree with the article, and my kids know that Santa is not real. The trouble is when they express that to other kids at school and other parents get mad at me for ruining “the magic of Christmas ” for their kids. How would you deal with that? I tell my kids that we know that Santa is not real but we shouldn’t tell the other kids because they may not be ready to know that, but I feel bad asking them to hide their believes because the majority of society believe otherwise, this also sends the wrong message for when they are older.
Explaining to kids that people have different beliefs can help. Some families believe in different religions, some people believe different things about nutrition, or politics, or the tooth fairy, etc. Having different beliefs about things is normal. Saying that someone else’s belief is wrong, is what causes problems. Does that help?
The point I’m trying to make here is that we can “play along” AND tell kids the truth. I don’t believe that we rob kids of anything by telling them the truth. Kids are experts at pretending. They pretend to have super hero powers even though they know it’s not true.
But I think going out there and telling them is ruining the game. They “know” it’s not real, but having a parent tell them that would would put the nail in the coffin to what is one of the funnest games in childhood.
What we encourage is that parents tell the truth, AND still play the game. Just like you would play dolls or house or any make believe anything. Kids don’t see this as a conflict because they pretend stuff all the time. We tell kids that movies are not real, but we still watch them and get caught up in the story because it’s fun! Hope that helps.
This is a great question. I’ll try to answer it succinctly. We believe that there is no such thing as bad behavior. Behavior is just communication. Kids try to meet their needs as best they can. There is a good reason for a child to “misbehave”. Our job is to understand what that reason is, and to help him find a more acceptable/appropriate way to meet his needs.
Here are 2 examples:
Pretend you have a 3 year old who wants to throw metal toy cars in the house. His reason for throwing is that it’s really fun to do. You can certainly set limits especially to create safety, you can say “soft balls and scarves are thrown in the house, hard balls and cars are thrown at the wall in the backyard”. If the limit is broken it’s ok to take away the car. Make sure you have a conversation “outside the moment” about it before he gets the car back. “What will be different next time you play with the car again?”
Pretend you have an 8 year old who likes to read rather than do her bedtime routine. With the 8 year old, she’s got more skills and self awareness, than a 3 year old. If you make a plan/agreement about bedtime and it falls through then have a conversation with her “outside the moment” and make adjustments. “Last night I had to remind you 5 times to stop reading before you started your bedtime routine. How can we do it differently tonight?”
Conversations take the place of consequences, time outs, and threats. Does that help?
I agree, kids can love Christmas and Santa while still knowing the truth.
Jamie, this is experience–that you talk about–is shared by many people, that they felt betrayed by their parents. Thanks for sharing your perspective!
I have to disagree with you there. I was 8 as well when I found out, and I felt betrayed that my parents lied to me about all these “magical” characters. My five and three year olds know santa is just pretend. There was a period where I thought “Maybe I should just do it, it’ll be fun for him..” but I physically couldn’t do it. I’m sorry, but as well-intentioned as it is, it IS a lie. I know people try to equate other characters to santa (i.e. disney characters) but it’s COMPLETELY different to say “oh look, there’s mickey (because there IS a physical mickey standing there)” and “oh hey, a big fat guy and flying reindeer are going to come to our house at night and bring you presents.” My kids still love christmas and the idea of santa. I’m really glad I don’t have to tell my son someday (who is also SUPER honest) that I have lied to him all this time!
I love your ideals on Christmas and parenting and trust and unconditional love. Which is exactly what we have for our son. No matter what that boy has my heart. He may piss me off or frustrate me but I always try to talk to him rather than raise my voice or threaten him, but there are times where he gets out of hand and crosses the line to the point that I have to raise my voice and sometimes I still don’t but I will then resort to taking something away from him like a favorite toy or play time like putting him in a time out. How do you discipline your children otherwise? I’m really curious because after reading this it makes sense that you want your kids to act good from the kindness of there heart and say that a threat like if they’re not good they won’t get gifts from Santa isn’t a good way to teach that but me taking something away when he is bad is the same thing. I know many parents use this disciplinary tactic when there children are bad and I was curious if you did as well and if so how would you say it’s different from us doing it. I really appreciate you sharing your story. Thank you. Merry Christmas everyone.
My husband and his mom got mad at me cause I was honest with my 6 year old son and told him the truth about Santa. They both said he is only 6 he is too young.
I disagree to a point. I don’t believe you have to “tell” kids about Santa. They are actually very smart and most of a reasonable age (around 5 or so) know he’s not real. BUT, Santa to kids is one of the final shared fantasy games they will play with adults and other kids, and I think parents should continue to play along. It’s like if your kids is having a tea party with you, you wouldn’t dismiss it to say “there’s not tea in here, its fake” and go on. Play along for their fun, they are only going to be kids playing imaginative games for so long.
I will say it would be best for expensive gifts to be from the parents so less fortunate kids do not have to feel less loved by Santa since they didn’t get an ipad!
Honestly, when I found out that Santa wasn’t real, I felt very betrayed by my parents. I wondered why they would make up such a lie. I was devastated as a child because I had so much faith that Santa was real. I was heartbroken. Just because you didn’t experience this and don’t know anyone who experienced it, doesn’t mean that others did not.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve heard similar stories from other adults and I think it’s important for parents to understand that some children experience this as a betrayal.
I agree that Santa is part of our folklore. You’ve brought up here several reasons why it’s important to tell kids the truth and how kids–who have parents that keep pushing Santa–might feel betrayed and embarrassed. As a preschool teacher I’ve heard and seen similar stories of kids whose trust was broken. I don’t think we need to be hysterical about it, but we do need to be thoughtful.
Hey!
Very nice article, especially that I haven’t thought so much on how to act on the Christmas topic.
My son is almost 2 years old, so close to the age you mentioned.
I would love to give it a try with the honesty card.
But I didn’t completely understamd gow you managed the Santa exists/doesnxt exist part.
Like playing pretend?
I also thought on another approach..on telling my kid that Santa exists in all of us, a little Santa spirit meaning the good and giving part of us, so it is a chance for us to all be Santa during this hollyday. And maybe extend this principle with other occasions, as a refference.
Yes! It’s like playing the “Santa game”, it is like playing pretend. Everyone can play and it’s a lot of fun. Because as you said, “Santa exists in all of us!”. Let’s not focus on someone dressed in a costume, let’s focus on being generous and grateful! :)
I love your article from A to Z but within the last 4-5 years I have second guest exposing Santa to my 3 kids.. 5,7&8!! I agree and have expressed everything u wrote to peers that all disagree and give me the stank face but I’m very confident in my decision and I tried to brake the lie with my kids last year with the help of my pastor neighbor BUT as 2019 Christmas is fastly approaching THEY WANT TO BELIEVE SANTA AND NOT BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I AN SANTA… 😩 I legit need a play by play on how to sit them down & express to them the myth of Santa & why I choose not to continue the lie of the fat man, Easter bunny ext ext ext… HELP
Granite we do pass down old toys and blankets to children in need every year & also help a friend that does “Nola families in need” for Christmas every year but I never exposed it as “the Santa game” I just instilled that it’s the best time of the year to clean out your rooms and give all your unwanted toys,clothes,shoes & blankets to others in need…
It’s possible your kids don’t want to hear you or believe you becuase they think you won’t play the Santa game with them anymore. Fantasy and make believe are important parts of childhood. You don’t need to take that away from them. If they aren’t ready, they aren’t ready! :)
If you really want to change their mind: You could tell them that they get to “be Santa” when they give away their toys and clothes. Make “being Santa” into a verb, rather than a person.
I tell my children (now 4 and 6) that grown-ups like to play pretend as well, and sometimes we play pretend so much that it almost seems like everything is for real! But in fact it’s still all just pretend, and it’s lots of fun! As for the gift thing, I make it a point to tell them that Christmas for our family is really time to reconnect with family and friends through time together to play ~ its not about the gifts.
Hope this was helpful!
Marcia
Love this. We do the same with our 3, almost 4, year old. He knows Santa (and all other magical characters) isn’t real and is just a fun Character based on a guy who once gave anonymous gifts. We’ve told him not to mention it to other kids though and that other kid’s parents usually tell them Santa is real (this part is a little harder to manage). Its important to me that we don’t lie to him. He still loves and enjoys the magic of Christmas. We pretend play Santa and the Reindeer at his request and read and enjoy books about Santa. I like your idea on focusing on gift giving, I need to up my game in the department! Thanks for the article!
That sounds great, Chelsea!
This is beautiful! With our son, we never did any of the singing that song, and Santa only seemed to arrive when we were at his grandparents house (my folks couldn’t let go the idea of having a gift from Santa for him), and it was simply the mystery gift under the tree. Then when he discovered ‘there is NO santa’ we had been gifted this way of sharing with him– “Ah! Wonderful, look, you’ve now joined the people who know Santa is not a person– however, Santa is a Spirit of Christmas and of giving. Now you are old enough to join us in giving special presents to people without them knowing who has gifted them.” I think it was a bit more graceful than those words I was just trying to recreate, but esssentially my son was Thrilled and couldn’t wait to go out and get/make some small gifts for our neighbors (who at the time were farmers in rural Spain). We then snuck out after dark and went and tied his gifts to their doors on Christmas eve. He loved it.
I would likely do it differently, not getting into it at all from the start, but alas, since we’d already made the step in that direction, this felt like a graceful stepping out.
That’s a great story, Kirsten! I love the part about going around and giving gifts to the neighbors!
Yes, thank you! I learned as a 3 year old because my mom didn’t want to lie to me! Children “believe” in imaginary characters all the time! Knowing that Santa wasn’t “real” didn’t make me not believe in Santa and get lots of enjoyment out of the whole season!
Same here, Eva!
We talk about santa and how hes just for fun. my sons just 5 and as far as he knows Santa is just character. we have also talked a little about the origins. (modern santa is a mix of a lot of mythology and a smattering of a real person) he isnt that intrested on where Santa came from.
I think that’s a great way to explain things, Alex. :)
You’re welcome, Gabrielle! Happy parenting your new daughter!
I just want to thankyou for this article because it clearly describes the way I want to raise my child (who is 3 months from her arrival!) and will be a really great source to refer to as I tell my family who doesnt agree with this decision!!!
Well this helps me understand why we have more and more angry, bitter and lost kids without any type of hope. So many depressed kids without reason to live. You guys explained it well for me. Kids are kids, let them imagine. are you going to sit your 2 year old daughter down and tell her that you’re not going to buy her a doll because it’s fake? and her make believe play is nonsense? No! youre going to let her imagine and play and feel the emotions they feel and express themselves. It gives them hope and ability to connect. By spoiling Christmas or any holiday for your child is because youre being a lazy parent without thinking of their well being. It’s bad. Its very bad and when you’re having to take them to counseling for depression or suicide at age 12, you can blame yourself for failing to set a foundation of faith in anything.
Are you kidding me?? Are you seriously saying that by telling kids santa is a character, they won’t use their imaginations anymore?! Do you even have any kids? Dolls aren’t fake, they’re real and they pretend WITH them. So no, of course I don’t tell my kids “don’t pretend with that, it’s not real!” Santa is a character just like all the other characters my kids love and play pretend with (even though they know they aren’t real! GASP!) Telling them a lie about Santa doesn’t make them not pretend, it sets a foundation of TRUST so that in 5 or so years, I’m not breaking their little hearts like mine was broken when I found out my parents were lying to me. Talk about setting a foundation of faith! I’d rather my kids have faith in their parents than an imaginary character! Faith without evidence isn’t a virtue, by the way. It’s really, REALLY sad that you think santa has anything to do with children being depressed and attempting suicide.
I agree with this. When my oldest child was 5, I started following the Christian faith reverently. I felt that lying about Santa and other fantasy characters like the Easter bunny, etc. would make the Bible stories also seem like a fantasy. So I told him and his 3 sisters later that the Santa we hear about is make believe. I told them about the historical St. Nicholas. We continued to have stocking which we filled in the spirit of what St. Nicholas did. We still watched and enjoyed all the fun Christmas movies, decorations, etc. I told my children that it was up to the family to decide what to tell their child and not to ruin the fantasy for others. I wanted them to know that I would always tell them the truth.
Now that they’re all grown, I sometimes doubt if I made the best choice. Maybe I should have let them have these fantasies. Not sure.
My daughter has decided to allow these with my young granddaughter and I’m fine with that.
Sounds like your daughter is continuing the tradition and enjoyed the way you raised her!
In our family, we asked our kids to play along when they were around younger family members, so it wasn’t an issue. And it’s fun to play the “santa game” of leaving cookies out, etc. so it wasn’t a problem. But you are wise to think of how to handle this issue!
That is a beautiful way to explain things to children, Kourtneay! Thanks for sharing.
It’s great that you will be sharing your values with your family.
That sounds just like how I was raised too!
Your experience is so interesting. Thanks for sharing it.
Sounds like you’ve created a lovely tradition for your family, Ewan!
I am anti-Santa. It may have started as a folk tradition centered on the historical Saint Nicholas of Myra, but it has become a thoroughly secular celebration of materialism and consumer culture in this country. And Saint Nicholas has his own day, weeks earlier. Christmas is about Christ. I told my son that Santa is a make-believe game that other people play, not us, and that the real Saint Nicholas died a long time ago and is in Heaven. He won’t come down the chimney. The boy is three and a half. He understands. We do have a tree, because my wife likes to have one, but we do not put presents under it for the kids to open on Christmas Day (my in-laws do that, and we don’t make any fuss about it when we visit. That would be very rude, and the grandparents like seeing their grandchildren open stuff) . At our house, we open presents as they arrive, or save them for Epiphany. Going to the Mass on Christmas Eve is the central thing. Afterward, some cake and cider.
I was actually the opposite. I wasn’t mad at my parents for lying to me, I was mad that they told the truth (that santa wasnt real). I miss believing in the magic of Santa. I never felt that I couldn’t trust my parents. It wasn’t just about Santa bringing presents to me and my sister, but about family and giving to everyone. We were taught from a very young age to buy gifts for everyone in the family. I had just as much fun selecting the perfect gift for my family members and watching them open them as I did getting gifts myself. I 100% believe in telling kids santa is real.
Hi! Very late to this conversation but I like your point of view. If you are still there, could you given suggestions on how to have your kids know the truth but not expose it to other kids who do believe in the Santa experience? Thanks!
I’ve talked my son that Santa Claus is real. But his name was Saint Nicholas and he was a man who did many good things for underprivileged people who received no recognition. Saint Nicholas was a human humans die I said knows this. So he was such a good man and did so many good deeds that people continued on his tradition of speaking Santa Claus and giving to those in need over the years. So my son has actually become Santa Claus himself. Inside our household my son is Santa Claus for my daughter and my daughter is Santa Claus for my son. So they still get to write their letters to Santa and mail it off with their mailing it to their siblings who are then taking their wishlist into consideration when purchasing their stocking. But we take it one step further beyond that my son every year weeds through his toys from the year and donates them to family or something in need. So this year he’s donated an entire garbage bag full of appropriate toys to an autism-related daycare who needed some extra supplies. We donate to food drives they help save money throughout the year and part of their piggy bank goes towards that. We’ve sponsored families over Christmas in the past we try and do something different every year in the form of a nun recognition donation. And that there is my children being Santa for someone else. We get a lot of paid for doing this especially with people in my own family who don’t agree that my 12 year old and 6 year old should be raised this way. I 12 year old was raised to be conventional way with Santa Claus wear from a split family she’s my stepdaughter. For years we fought the Battle of is he real is he not I wanted to tell her the truth but her mom did not still to this day her mom will not tell her the truth about Santa Claus. I could no longer keep a secret and this is how we’ve transitioned into things and this is how I’m raising my son that yes Santa is real but he’s died his name was Saint Nicholas he lived years ago he did all these wonderful things for people and where to carry on his tradition.
I’m pagan, but I loved the story of Santa when I was a child but don’t like all the bribery and coercion (“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” creeps me out too). My beliefs are that he’s one form my deity takes, so I’m planning on teaching my kids that when he comes, he blesses them instead of gives gifts.
My husband and I did not lie to our children about Santa/Easter bunny either for all the reasons you didn’t. Mostly because we did not want to lie to our children at such a tender age and then expect our children to trust us not to lie to them when they grew up. When we saw Santa we’d encourage them to sit on his lap for a picture and a candy cane. They are now adults and tell us they never once felt like they missed out on a single thing. And chose to raise their children the same. We get to focus on Jesus and making family memories. ❤️
Thank you for this article, my parents and sisters think I am wrong for raising my child not to believe in Santa. They are actually being rude about it. So hopefully they can understand now chances are they wont but worth the try
Don’t give up hope!
Hi! So I grew up without Santa because my parents never made a big deal of him, my husband in the other hand believes it is important to keep the magic for our kids and… my girl 8 now asked when she was 4 for an elf, but she didn’t ask me, she went around the house and outside asking to “Santa” I don’t know for an elf to be hers… well we thought if was so lovely and made one appear, with a letter saying I am not an elf on the shelf but s kind elf…
Fast forward 4 years I think she is not believing in it an asking for a lot of reassurances (she writes to the elf every night!) it is harder for me keeping the lies about the elf, Santa, trying to give explanations about whey the elf doesn’t move! I am tired and I don’t really want to lie to her anymore but I don’t want to burst her magic! Help please!
I like the “kindness elf” idea. If she’s beginning to doubt you, saying “Mom, why doesn’t the elf move?” I would ask her questions, “What are your ideas about why the elf doesn’t move?” Then you can gauge her level of belief. You can still play the “elf game” even when you both know the truth.
Hello. This is such a great topic. I’m a college student and sometimes I think about how would I be as a parent one day and I remember that ever since I figured out Santa didn’t exist I swore I will never lie to my kids as my parents did. I had a hard time that Christmas when I was 11. I took it really badly. I felt my whole family lied to me and felt I couldn’t trust them. In my cultural context we have two Christmas days. One in January which is Latinamerican Christmas “Three Wise Men” day on which children leave a shoe box filled with hay for the Wise men camels and the list just like they did with baby Jesus. Then in December we have American Christmas on the 24th. So we get lied twice a year. My childhood Christmases were magical, each lie bigger than the previous year. Santa and I would write to eachother every Christmas. I wrote him a letter with the gift list and things I’d like to know about him and he’d answer back on Christmas day. One day he even called me by phone. One Christmas he came to deliver us the gifts personally. When the Movie Polar Express came around I was amazed with the idea of having a train to the North Pole and back in one night filled with adventures and hot cocoa. So when Christmas came and the train didntd appeared I began my suspicions that my classmates were right. But Santa left me a letter that my house was too far to send the train but he left me the raindeer bell. All the while my parents watching how I believed every single detail. Next Christmas I set my plans to know the truth and I catched my family with the gifts in hand. This had such a strong impact on me just knowing how my family looked at me getting excited because Santa and the Wise Men wrote me as if they were mocking me. I know that’s not the case but I felt like that. I felt decieved and betrayed and specially because the Wise Men touched the religious aspect of the belief. I think thatst why I have so many trust issues today. This was very educational because I do like the idea of the game still because I do have great memories about believing in Santa or the Wise Men but I think it should be a sincere and truthful dynamic rather than a false way to get your children to be well behaved.
Hello! I was wondering what you personally say or do when you set out cookies and when you do the gifts? I’m in this same boat and need some help/ideas!
I keep it really simple and ask, “Do you want to put out cookies for Santa this year?”. If they say, “But Mom, Santa’s not really real.” I whisper in their ear, “True, but it’s fun to play the game! Right?”
How do you tell family you’re not doing the whole Santa thing? My husband and I have decided we won’t include Santa in our celebrations but our whole family does. I am very close to my family but I’m not sure how to tell them. Any advice?
You can tell your family what your kids understand about Santa. “Mom, I like how you raised me AND we are doing something different about Santa in our family. I told the kids that…. I wanted to explain this to you so you wouldn’t be surprised if you talk to the kids about Santa. They might still want to play the ‘Santa game’ and put cookies out. So you can still play along with them if they want.” etc. How does that sound?
Y give a fic character props 4 all of the love ,work and dedication that the parents put forth. I raised and taught my children 2 be kind, polite, and imaginative. Some1 sneaking n ur house whilst u sleep? How would that not scare a child? Hmm what a conundrum. Lying to ur kids umm ok…no They will never trust u again. I told mine right away as u did. U did the right thing!😊 now they will b happy and rely on u as kids r supposed to do with parents. This was good keep going. 😁
I really don’t see the big deal here. I never was angry or felt I couldn’t trust my parents when I found Santa wasn’t real. If anything I was grateful that I was able to have those magical Christmas years and I know one day my son will see that. He is 9 and still believes and that’s ok. When the day comes I will explain it all. We need to relax as parents and let kids be kids and stop being so worried about everything. We shelter kids so much that we never allow them to feel disappointment which life is full of. We’re Christian so we also taught him the true meaning of Christmas and he is also very giving.
T.S. thanks for commenting. The goal of this article is to present some research and our experience working with many families, so that you can make the best, most informed choice about what to do in your own. And it sounds like you’ve beautifully navigated things with your son and avoided the potential pitfalls! :)
Good point, Christopher!
100% Also you should tell them the reason for the season! As a Christian ( Christmas is every day, BREAKING NEWS……. THIS IS NOT A CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY) however I was told from day 1 Santa is not real……… I’m glad so was! I do not celebrate other religions Days………. Other groups prob do not have things these pegans/ government do to dilute the real reason santa is a joke…….. many kids know but play along…….. At this mAll Santa look 500 pounds at the other mall he looks like my dad at one more mall he looks like my neighbor! Also DO NOT TALK TO STRANGERS yet you place your child in his lap…….. PARENTS ARE CONFUSING KIDS!
That sounds wonderful, Ornela… keep the fun and follow her lead.
Agreed, Susan. Families can still do Santa and even Elf on a Shelf without using it as a bribe or a threat! Keeping fantasy in kids lives is important.
Thank you so much for this article. We told our 4year old this year that Santa is just part of a Christmas story but people that ask her “what did Santa bring you?” And her responce is “santa is not real, but my mommy and daddy gave he presents” is always followed by a wierd look at me. I was starting to feel so guilty and wondering if i made the right choice. I want her to know that Christmas is about family and love and ofcourse Jesus.
Thanks for your story, Lily! It’s hard to do something “out of the box” like this and how wonderful that your daughter knows how to answer people’s questions with confidence. Why feel guilty? You haven’t taken anything away from her. Rather you’ve created Christmas as a season of love and a celebration of Jesus.
My mom was an incredibly well behaved child and she grew up very poor. Growing up she always wondered why kids who didn’t behave received so many gifts for Christmas but she didn’t. She couldn’t understand.
So, when she had us, she decided not to make us believe. Thankfully, we didn’t experience the same hardships as she did, and honestly we didn’t miss out on the holiday’s “magic'”. We decorated, went to the parades, told our parents what gifts we wanted, got together with family, etc. It was also nice to be able to participate in the fun with younger cousins who did believe. Though I did go through a short phase where I thought I was cooler and smarter because I didn’t believe, lol.
My parents just never said “Santa is real”, they simply asked “what do you want from the ToysRUs catalogue?” and then we would get 3 items (2 from what we wanted and something they chose). They chose to give us 3 gifts because of the 3 wise men. In my view, I didn’t miss out on anything! I really enjoy the holiday time to this day!
Now I have a kid, and my spouse (who grew up believing) and I will be doing something similar. We simply won’t say that Santa is real. We haven’t fully planned it out yet, but if she asks we will likely share a story about how we can all be Santa–delivering gifts and joy to others.
I see it in the same way I see other magical stories. Santa is simply a character, just like Mickey Mouse is a character, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t fun to go to Disney (never been actually). I can partake in the fun of make believe even though I am fully aware I cannot fly to Neverland or expelliarmus my enemies, lol.
Hi, I’m a parent educator and grandmother. I was told about Santa when I was small. When I stopped believing (we also did the Tooth Fairy, btw) it was a kind of dawning, nothing traumatic. In fact when I asked my mom point blank if he was real, she just said “Well, I like to think so.” I raised my kids the same way. No trauma or distrust problems. My daughter is raising her daughter with the fantasy of Santa; so far so good. I think your objections hinge on the fact that a lot of people “use” Santa as a bribe, which we never did. If you strip away all the “better not pout” threats and nonsense, you have a lovely fantasy that fades developmentally and which reinforces the idea of giving for giving’s sake. I don’t encourage or discourage the parents in my classes about introducing the Santa myth. However, for those who embrace it, I encourage them to leave out the bribery piece. (I hate that danged elf too!) That way the “giving” part of Christmas is foremost.
Hi, I have a 2 year old and she’s just the best. As a child I didn’t believe in Santa because my parents never told me he’s real so I always assumed he was not. And they never gave me any santa gifts. They were all from them. So that being said, now that I have a baby, I’ve been thinking about this santa thing and I don’t feel like I should lie to her about it. I find it unnecessary. This is my personal opinion. I don’t mind doing santa pictures if that’s what she wants or anything santa related. But I won’t lie to her about it.
I like your article – especially the discussion about Christmas isn’t about getting something for being good, etc. I’ve disliked the Elf on the Shelf ever since we were gifted one 5 or so years ago.
There is another way, however. My kids do believe that Christmas is about unconditional love. When my daughter was 5 years old, she asked me about something she had heard – about how the kids who were bad didn’t get any presents. (We had never mentioned presents being tied to behavior.) I asked her if she thought that could possibly be true . . . Would Santa do that? She came back with an emphatic NO! We agreed that Santa loves everyone the same. And we got to have yet another discussion about how other kids don’t (and their parents didn’t) get to have such an amazing and love-filled life as we do, and when that’s the case, sometimes your behavior matches how you are feeling inside – hurt, not loved, or just plain mixed-up. Santa brings my kids presents no matter what their behavior. AND – when my son finally read in a Judy Blume book about there being no real Santa (which he was already suspecting but not wanting to accept), we talked about it. He was truly heartbroken. AND – then we talked about how much it hurt to know that Santa wasn’t real and . . . talked about how much happiness and joy the idea of Santa had brought to him over his first 9 1/2 years. He smiled right away and said that the happiness was for SURE way more than the upset that he was feeling at that moment. And now he has fun each year getting let in on another secret of how I make Santa happen at our house – how he brings a gift to Grandma’s where we spend Christmas & how he magically leaves something in the stocking at our house at the same time, etc. :)
So – there are many options for making Christmas magical for your kids. Choose the one that works best for you. My 9 year old daughter still believes in Santa; my son does not – but we all still believe in Fairies and Angels – helping to guide us each through this journey on our perfect paths :)
Our Christmas is about ‘giving’ and ‘sharing’. There is so much ..innocent…fun with ‘Santa’. I remember myself, a brief sadness learning about Santa…but with younger siblings I could then join in with my parents making their ‘magical game with Santa’ be lots of fun with good memories. I was already into ‘Science’ by third grade and I figured it out on my own…like the weight of the sled and reindeer on the roof, etc…..a moment of sadness, but not for long. Participation in making more ‘fun’ for younger ones more than made up for it.
I do a holiday workshop every year and the question of how to address the Santa Claus myth always comes up. Your article addresses some of the primary concerns about modeling lying and making love(and toys) conditional on behavior. What you don’t mention is how the message that children get about others, those who are not like us,i.e. Muslims, Jews, Buddists, Hindus and others who do not celebrate Christmas must by definition be bad because Santa doesn’t bring them any gifts. I understand that some parents are moving away from the “only good children get gifts”, but one need only stand in the mall and listen to the first thing that Santa says to each child “have you been good?”
It is certainly possible to play with and allow our children to enjoy the fantasy and control the narrative much as we do with other imaginary characters (Cinderella etc.)
Laura, I remember attending your great workshop many years ago! Thanks for adding your wisdom here. Big hugs to you!
We feel the same way, for all the above reasons. Our daughter is 2 1/2. We feel like she can enjoy all the “santa stuff” (or not–she didn’t want to take a photo with santa this year and that was totally fine) but still not be lied to. BUT….she’s 2 1/2. How do we acknowledge the ubiquitous Santa everywhere, but tell her the truth? If we say, “Santa isn’t a real person,” well…she’s 2. she sees a guy with a red suit and beard and thinks, “well, of course he’s real, I can see him.” Maybe it’s too abstract for her? I am trying to find how we have conversations around this starting now…
You could talk to your daughter about Santa (the costume, the story, etc) reminds us to give to others. The story came from a long time ago St Nicholas who gave his money to poor people in secret!
Thank you for sharing this lovely story, Cecilia!
You’re welcome, Evelyn!
What a fantastic article. I’ve always practiced honesty and authenticity with my kids. When they’ve asked me if Santa is real I’ve asked them – would like to think he is? They’ve always said yes, so I’ve said all good. This year my two eldest (9 and 7 year old boys) have really questioned the idea of Santa so I’ve posed the question again – would you like to think he is real? They said yes, but know he isn’t. I haven’t ever perpetuated the idea of Santa (or being good to receive gifts, etc) and practice minimal gift giving specifically at Christmas time. So here we are – no big let down or secret out of the bag, just a rite of passage. Believing as they did when they were small and now being free to continue the magic as they wish.
Trudi, that’s a wonderful story! I still believe in Santa too! Because the spirit of Santa is the belief of giving and goodness!
That’s wonderful, Danielle!
Yes thank you for the article. When my daughter asked if Santa was real, about in grade 4 or so, I answered honestly and told her that he didn’t come down the chimney yada yada, but that the spirit of Santa, the generosity that gets into people at that time every year, was VERY real. She was sad and later, angry. Once Santa dissolved, so did the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy. Now she is 14, and we have a 2 year old. I want to carry on the tradition of the Santa Spirit in our family, but not any of the “creepy” parts of the tradition, or the consumption / commercial -based ones. This is so tricky. My husband and older daughter just want to relive the “magic’ of how they felt when they were kids with our little one. It will be a dance but I think we can do it! Thanks for the confirmation of what I know in my heart.
Yes, this is a tricky dance!
Thank you so much for posting this! I have had many discussions with my husband and mother-in-law about “the great Santa deception.” They accuse me of robbing the kids of Christmas but I believe that our relationship with the kids is based, in part, on trust. We tell them, “always speak your truth” and “truth creates trust.” I have yet to find a way to say that and lie to them in the name of “protecting the Christmas spirit.” In our home we tell the kids that Christmas is about love, kindness, and gratitude and explore ways to display this. I have yet to find a way to say these things about trust AND encourage them to focus on getting and “being good.” I was absolutely done with keeping silent when I overheard my son tell his sister, “we have to believe in Santa or we won’t get stuff!” When the kids ask if Santa is real, I tell them that the Santa they know is real like Scooby Doo is real. He’s fun to watch and flex our imagination muscle but he doesn’t come down the chimney (that we don’t even have) :-). I do tell them he actually represents a real person who did good for many people and we can honor him by finding ways to do good for others throughout the year. Go figure, Christmas still came…it didn’t internally combust ;-) and the kids enjoyed our time together…they didn’t enter into deep Santa depression ;-). Best of all, my husband didn’t roll his eyes when I answered the kids question yet again with a tale about Santa and a dog named Scooby Doo :-D Don’t get me wrong, I get it…it’s fun to see their faces light up as we fake hearing Santas sleigh, but i agree it has a cost in the long term (a friend overheard her son tell her friend, “Santas real because my parents told me so and they wouldn’t lie to me!”…OUCH!). As a psychologist, I truly believe that modeling truth and honesty are keys to our kids feeling safe and valuing honesty. As a mom, it genuinely feels good when we align our actions with our words…we’re not perfect and It doesn’t always happen this way but thx Santa for the opportunity to make it happen through this issue!
We agree, Dr. Willis. Trust comes from being trustworthy, i.e. not lying to our kids! :)
Hi Cecilia, my name is Maria and a totally agree with you! I have a 13th month baby and i wasn’t planning to tell him anything is this Christmas. Nonetheless we will have all familiy in the house with the Xmas tree and the family celebrations. We don’t exchange gifts because nobody can be bothered to face shopping malls during the holidays so we give presents freely all year around but to compose the tree I already saved some presents to put it here on christmas eve/morning. We don’t make a big fuss about it but I know that in his waldorf school they are quite ritualistic about Christmas. In the house, being atheists, we care more about being with family and enjoying each others company and stories. My plan is to tell him our point of view and never lie, obviously. It does strike my mind from time to time how will he deal with all this info but above all I trust him to know what is best for him, my role is to facilitate the truth and try not to impose my “unbelief”.
A wonderful Xmas to all
I like how you’ve made Christmas be about being together and that generosity happens all year round!
What is it you do not believe?
I was raised by a single mom. After my dad left we never celebrated anything. No gifts, no tree, jack ****. I started to hate the concept of Christmas. Well eventually I got married into a super celebrating Hispanic family. Christmas eve is spent eating Tamales and exchanging gifts. I fought it at first. But just eventually went with the flow. Especially after my son was born. I have my ups and downs if I seriously enjoy the Holiday or not. Sometimes I find it exhausting. Sometimes I find it frustrating that I have little to no input into how they celebrate the night. Sometimes I am not in the mood to eat spicy Tamales and just want Turkey or a roast. But my wife has compensated by making Christmas dinner which changes year to year.
I think the point I am trying to make is no matter what you do with the Holiday, eventually your kid will Marry and start or share their spouses traditions. So be careful how you set the stage.
How would you deal with the neighbors’ children?
Our 3yo is so afraid of Santa, we decided to tell her the truth. She was so scared of a stranger coming into our home that she kept saying she didn’t want any gifts. Everytime she sees Santa on tv, she freaks out and starts screaming to switch channels. So, that’s not magical at all! I didn’t like lying to her anyway, so I feel relieved we told her.
We are not Christians, but we told her about St-Nicholas and how he gave gifts. We explained he died long age, but that people loved the idea of giving so much the turned it into a tradition and now give gifts every year for Christmas.
We celebrate Christmas time more as winter solstice and the return of light, which in itself is also very magical.
She also knows that it’s an important holiday for Christians as they celebrate the birth of baby Jesus.
Fran, it sounds like you’ve got a wonderful connection with your daughter and you knew just what she needed!
I believe in this wholeheartedly. I don’t want to lie to my children. It’s so hard going against what the majority do. My 3.5yr old son is constantly getting asked about what Santa will bring him. Or if he’s been a good boy for Santa to come. He’s been home with me his whole life so far so he’s only had my influence instilled in him. He will be starting group care soon and I’d love some advice on how to discuss the Santa issue with him when the other kids start bringing it up to him. I don’t want to ruin the magic of the season, but I also don’t want to give in and entangle him in the web of tricky lies parents tell.
Amanda, we talked about this issue on our Facebook Live here…. https://www.facebook.com/HappilyFamily/videos/1098532620275309/
Thanks for this. I tell my daughter the truth. We do give her a gift which she knows cam from us and she gives her toys, clothes and anything else away to her friends happily, and they love to receive them even if they are broken, torn and worn. She knows that not everyone has the same beliefs and so that helps when someone says Santa is real, I remind her that this is their belief. We are not the average family, we home Ed and are vegan and so she is used to the difference in people.
We do put up an Xmas tree, put her pressure under it, she might wrap something of her choice up and place it there too. We do get the Xmas songs out and sing them, go carol singing, read Xmas stories, watch a few xmassy films and make a holly wreath and decorate our home for Xmas too so it is special for her and us.
She doesn’t like the idea of a stranger burgling his way in to our home while we sleep either.
We don’t do rewards, just hugs and a bit more attention when she needs it.
We are not religious per say but like the good from all faiths/non faiths. We do go to various religious places if we pass by and have the time.
As a child I had a rough ride with my upbringing. My salvation was Xmas, easter and holiday when we were in a children’s home, it really cheered us up and we weren’t fed the father Xmas lies, we just all got a pressie each from the lovely nuns there which helped us realise how lovely other human beings can be when your Chips are down in your own household.
So I would say, keep telling them the truth so they know who really got the gifts.
Lilambri, that’s a lovely story of your own upbringing and how you are raising your daughter!
Thanks. Well we do try to do our best. Thanks for the opportunity.x
:) Hugs!
I just wanted to add my thanks for this post. I have been wanting to tell my daughter, now 6, the truth about Santa for a number of years, but haven’t yet plucked up the courage. She has a strong fear of any dressed up people, and is terrified if we pass any of these characters in the street. At Christmas time, we always have to write Santa a letter to tell him to leave the presents downstairs to allay her fears about this strange man coming into her bedroom while she is asleep. She is already getting upset and worrying about Christmas this year because of her fear of Santa.
We have discussed how the Santas that we meet before Christmas are just people in costume, not the real thing, to help her deal with any pre-Christmas encounters with Santa. We have chosen to keep up the pretence of Santa with the, probably misguided, intention of keeping the magic of Christmas alive for future years when she gets over this fear. However, the fear continues, and Santa seems to cause her more upset than enjoyment. And so, as a child myself who felt let down by my parents when I discovered the truth about Santa, I feel that this year could be the year to be bold and be honest with my children.
So, I was wondering if you or anyone out there has any advice on how to approach this conversation. I like the story of St Nic that you and others have mentioned and thought this would be a good place to start. You talk about presents appearing like magic, but do you tell them that it is really mum and dad, and then they chose to suspend reality? How do you deal with keeping all this quiet from their friends whose parents want to continue with the Santa story?
Happy Christmas all!
Katie, these are great questions. Rather than write a super long reply Jason and I will hop on Facebook at 12 noon Pacific time today and talk about the issues that you’ve brought up.
Oh bother! I missed it. Is there any way to catch up on the discussions?
Yes! A recording of the FB Live is in the group at https://www.facebook.com/HappilyFamily/
Enjoy!
I have five children and with the older three Santa “existed” in our house till they were older (about 11!) and challenged the idea. With the younger two I have always been uneasy about the idea, the story’s etc until this year when the youngest (6years) asked me straight out to tell her the truth and she didn’t think he was true, so I told her and her brother(9) the truth, she was so happy and I felt so relieved! It hasn’t changed Christmas celebrations at all! I did mention to one of my daughters friends mum, what had happened and she couldn’t believe I told my daughter the truth! and kinda had a go at me about it, so I haven’t told anyone else! I think people put too much emphasis on this at Christmas time and think that santa is the only thing Christmas is about!
Kerrie, I’m right there with you. As an adult looking back, knowing the truth in my childhood deprived me of nothing. The holiday is still about magic and miracles!
Our daughter has always known the truth – we discuss Saint Nicholas and even at 6 she is obsessed with making things for kids who have nothing – it is truly heartwarming. The issue comes when everyone (EVERYONE) asks her if she’s been good; or who is coming to her house soon; or what she got from Santa this year…she isn’t sure how to answer and to be honest neither am I… would love some suggestions.
Catherine, great question. We’ll talk about this on our Facebook Live today at 12 noon Pacific time!
Great that she makes things for those without! When people ask about someone coming to our home etc I kind of ask my daughter if she thinks anyone is coming to our house or if she believes father Xmas is real. Depending on her mood, she might tell the truth or ask me to.
Lilambri, that’s a great tip–to turn the questions over to the child. Sometimes kids want to play the “Santa game” and sometimes they don’t…. That way she gets to decide how she wants to respond (or if she wants you to). My kids (as adolescents) still get excited about sitting on Santa’s lap! And leaving out cookies!
I feel it is very sad to take away the notion that Father Christmas, elves, fairies etc can exist. As children grow and they naturally become more mature in their understanding they can accept the difference between fantasy and reality. We have lots of discussion around what we believe to be true, instigated by our 8 & 6 year old girls. It is a great opportunity to learn to theorise and use our imaginations – and each of our own ideas are given respect. However, my husband and I always insist that if there really was a naughty list then No One would recieve gifts as we all have good in us – and we all could do better. I think that honesty and allowing your children the freedom to question, talk and voice their opinions without judgement or pressure will create a strong relationship. Personally I never struggled with finding out that Father Christmas isn’t real and it didn’t damage my relationship with my parents. I always under stood it for what it is – an opportunity to bring magic and wonder.
I especially like what you’ve said that we all have good in us!
Hi, I have a 14 yo and 10 yo. My husband is Japanese so Santa Claus was not part of his culture, but I did include Santa Claus in our celebrations, but never with a caveat of good behaviour. I enjoyed believing in SC as a child and enjoyed having my children believe in him, too. Part of what I liked with Santa was that although my children could ask for anything, they could not be sure what they would receive. Although I know as a parent I could do that anyway, for me it created a buffer that deterred wheedling, whining and checking the house for stashed gifts. When my children asked about whether SC existed, I answered that SC was a historical person, but no longer a single person. Instead, SC embodies the spirit of giving and generosity (often anonymously), thus anyone can be SC. Furthermore this spirit should not exist in us only every December 25th, but all year, however we can use Xmas as a reminder of goodwill and charity to others. I encourage my children to share their (and our) good fortune with others and we usually take time to “shop” for Unicef gifts for those in need around the world as well as giving to our local charities, food drives and Christmas funds. I do dislike the current trend for rewarding children for giving (which I find is happening in schools with various fundraisers) and encourage my children to give of their talents and time at this stage of their lives as any financial gifts they “give” are usually courtesy of M&D’s bank account. It is important for them to understand that charity and generosity do not come with a price tag nor are they contests. We each must look within to decide what we have to offer (time, talents and/or money) and give what we can.
“Charity and generosity do not come with a price tag, not are they contests” Wise words, Victoria!
Our kids are all past the pre-school fantasy age, but we have always told them about the historical figure of St. Nicholas and that the modern idea of Santa originated from that. Because these origins actually are about unconditional love and helping the poor, it’s been easier to emphasize those aspects of the Christmas season and de-emphasize the others. We have chosen to make a celebration of St. Nicholas’s Day separate from Christmas itself, as we want to celebrate Christmas as the birthday of Christ (at least symbolically, since he probably wasn’t actually born on Dec. 25). We hang stockings that are “magically” filled with presents on Dec. 6th. We read the story of St. Nicholas and enjoy the smaller gifts for many days before Christmas arrives. We also like to use one of the giving catalogs (World Vision’s is our favorite), and let our kids each pick something to give to someone in need.
Oh, I like the “giving catalog” idea. Thanks for sharing!
Hi we so far have not told our children but I have changed the story to say Santa delivers a gift to thank children for the happiness and colour they bring to life, just for being alive, aka its unconditional. Also Santa delivers to outside round here. My ears prick up at your post as I am uncomfortable with the lying. Thank you
You’re welcome, Sarah!
Hi!
I totally agree with you.
I have never told a lie to my son.
He is now 5. We celebratw christmas as a celebration of humanity’s desire of love and peace.
There are presents and a lot of toys . Those are not conditioned to anything (but common sense and budget).
He looks forward to the festivity and all that comes with it.
He understands all what I tell him about Santa and other parents telling different to their kids.
I feel so good I dont have to be creating a pile of lies as my poor parents had to (“why do we go to the store to exchange the damaged toy? How come you have a ticket for it?”, “why does he has to buy toys instead of making them?”, “why kids with other culture does not receive his visit”, “where are you going and why I cannot go with you?”, “whats inside that closet?” , “why are you so anxious I have to go to bed?”…etc etc)
Hugs and thanks for your work and overall intention to make a better world!
Esmeralda, this is such a great example of how, when we lie to our kids, we have to create lies on top of lies! It’s so tricky. Then our desire to give our kids a magical experience gets tainted by all the lies, cover up and stress… it becomes not so magical any more! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much for posting this. We have always told our children that Santa is just a fun pretend game we like to play. In other words, he is not real. We focus on the real reason for Christmas – the birth of Christ, but we put out cookies, make Christmas lists and gifts do “magically” appear overnight.
I agree wholeheartedly that perpetuating a long standing lie about Santa and then revealing the truth is not only unkind, but brings into question our trustworthiness as parents. We want our children to trust us and believe what we say, right? How can we expect to foster that trust when it is accompanied by such a monumental deception? That being said, Merry Christmas and enjoy the magic of the season.
That’s wonderful. Merry Christmas to you too, DP!
I was brought up in a Christian home. I was much more damaged by pressure to believe in my parent’s/that religion/ denomination’s ideas than by a childhood belief in Father Christmas
By the way, we talk a lot about the real meaning of Christmas but we present this to our children as the Christian celebration of Christ’s birth – as we present and religious festival from any religion.
I’m so sorry to hear that was your experience growing up. May you and your family have a warm and joyous holiday season full of celebration and togetherness.
Thank you for your article, it was very refreshing. I am a clinical psychologist in LA and I have a 1y old daughter. Aligned with the science of psychology as well as with the practice of being an authentic human, the truth and what we do with it shapes our very views of self, others, and the world. Accordingly, it is imperative that we as parents continue to reinforce honesty and clarity in our children not only thru our spoken word but also by our actions, modeling a healthy way of engagement and a balanced stable creation of their narrative about attachment of meanings as well as toward creating a purposeful life built on safety and security. Children trust us and it is our duty to navigate that with care and respect to assist them to actualize their own self and full potential in a way that stands up to time and challenges of life as building blocks toward a healthy body and mind, facilitating inner harmony and peace with logic and reason so that they can fully experience their life in a balanced way that is self- sustaining and enjoyable without relying on irrational beliefs and unrealistic values that later come around creating distress and landing them in psychotherapy for resolution. I appreciate your post, I am a faithful reader of your blog.
Honesty, clarity, truth, safety, and security! Thank you Dr. Mihai for reading and contributing to the community!
🔥🔥 love this
Than u for this.
I read your blog in a perfect moment. I had yesterday a children Christmas party at my office , where a Santa was invited . My 5 year old son , had so many questions , if he was the real Santa , why did he wear a watch etc . I than took the decision to tell him , that the Christmas magics happens only on Christmas eve , and that all the Santa’s from mall;s park’s etc are not real . The real Santa is just magical , you can’t see him , you can just feel him . I went home and just told me husband , in order for our sun to still believe in Santa we need to tell him the truth , and not to see any fake Santa’s anymore. So thank you for your email , it was the perfect timing . Anamaria Lazaroiu , Bucharest Romania
Anamaria, that is a beautiful story of how to keep the magic! Thanks for sharing!
We definitely promoted the fantasy around Christmas, but left out the behavior bribery. For us, creating that magic was important, and while it didn’t last forever, we believe it was important in their early childhood to allow them to experience it magically, not rationally. It really is more aligned with how a young child works in the world. In fact, we approached most things this way. Our children have never expressed disappointment about being “lied to”, but I do remember having to carefully negotiate the time when I knew other children were growing out of their belief.
Sierra, I agree. Kids experience the world magically and emotionally. Thanks for bringing up the point about being sensitive to other kids. That’s a tricky one!