If you’re reading this, you likely view parenting from a “power with” rather than a “power over” perspective.
“Power over” is the domain paradigm and the unfortunate norm in most families, communities, institutions, schools, religions, and governments. You might see “power over” techniques used, not just in parenting, but in how we train our pets, grow our gardens, educate our children, care for the environment, heal illness, how we care for ourselves, or treat prisoners. On and on and on.
The “power with” paradigm is not the cultural norm (yet). For me, “power with” means that I’m going to assume you are doing the best you can, even if you’re behaving in a way that I don’t enjoy. I will treat you and myself with respect, curiosity, and compassion. If we disagree, I will work with you to understand your perspective and help you understand mine, and we will find a solution that works for both of us.
“Power with” does not mean passive or permissive parenting, or in any other realm. Being compassionate doesn’t mean you don’t have limits and boundaries.
Dr. Brené Brown, researcher and social worker, has found that the most compassionate people also have the most healthy boundaries. Maintaining boundaries keeps you out of resentment and overwhelm so you can continue giving from a place of generosity and sufficiency, rather than giving from a place of lack, or “should”, or from our brokenness.
According to Brené’s research, compassionate people “assume other people are doing the best they can, but they also ask for what they need and don’t put up with a lot of crap”.
So here is what I’m curious about:
- In what family or personal issues, do you feel burnt out, overwhelmed, anxious, or hopeless?
- In which areas in your parenting or personal life, do you have a “power over” perspective?
- What is the one thing you can do, using a “power with” approach, that would make a difference in you feeling less overwhelmed, worried, or hopeless? (For example, you might talk to a friend, get in action in some way, ask for help, have a boundary, tell someone “no”, take a nap, or something else.)
If you’re practicing “power with” compassion, don’t be afraid to:
- Ask for what you need
- Say “no” when you need to
- Say “yes” when you mean it
I’d love to hear what you are going to do to shift from a “power over” to “power with”. Comment on the blog (we read and respond to all comments). Your ideas just might inspire someone else too.
