How Do I Get My Child Back On Track?
When kids are struggling with something or acting out, a lot of parents focus on the things that they want to get rid of (the negative influences of screens, peers, sugar, etc).
Whether their child is repeatedly getting in trouble for negative behaviors, having problems in school, or has been making questionable choices in general, it’s understandable to think:
“What should I be taking away or removing from my child’s life to get them back on track?”
I’ve been thinking lately about how gardening (of all things!) has given me some powerful parenting lessons. This new hobby of mine has been helping me to shift my perspective on how I approach different kinds of challenges with my kids, and showing me how to adjust my expectations and let go of perfectionism.
This week, one of my yacon plants–and a conversation with a friend–gave me an interesting insight into what we should really be focusing on when things aren’t going so well with our kids (or our gardens).
Weeding Out The ‘Bad’
When a plant isn’t growing the way I had hoped, my first instinct is to focus on what is going wrong. What were the negative things in its environment preventing it from growing into the strong I knew it could be?
Should I spend more time picking out bugs? Should I be using more sprays to get rid of any harmful pests or diseases?
Since I am new to gardening, I decided to ask my more experienced gardener friend (who is also an amazing parent.)
Her advice was this: “With pretty much everything in the garden, I just add more fertilizer.”
A Powerful Perspective Shift
At first, her short and sweet answer seemed a little too simple. But when I thought about it more, it actually made a whole lot of sense.
Instead of solely focusing on removing the ‘bad stuff’ that may or may not be hurting my yacon plant, I should prioritize adding more of the ‘good stuff’ that I knew would support its growth.
More fertilizer, more sunlight, more water…
More of the positive, helpful things that would provide the nourishment it needed to grow into a healthy plant and have the strength to fight off the ‘bad stuff’ on its own–the same concept is true of our kids.
Adding The Good: The Power of Positive Experiences
This change in mindset got me thinking about that parenting question and what to take away from kids when things are off or seem to be heading south.
What IS the best way to help our kids when they are struggling with something?
So often, we go straight to the ‘taking away’ of anything we think is negatively impacting our children– excessive screen time, too many devices, unhealthy foods, or their ‘bad-influence’ friends.
But what if… instead of focusing on taking away the things that we think are bringing our kids down, we prioritized adding more of what helps them thrive and be at their best?
What if, instead of worrying about what we need to eliminate from their lives, we switched the spotlight to thinking about what we can do more of?
More connection, more attention, more joy…
More quality time, more fun activities, more love.
More of the things that fill up their emotional cup with the positivity, encouragement, support, and understanding that they need to feel and act their best.
Trusting the Process: Instilling Resilience
Here is the magical part about this approach: when kids are filled up with positive experiences, they develop the inner-strength and resilience to overcome challenges on their own.
Why? Because when kids feel good inside, they are better able to make good choices. When kids feel valued, encouraged, and understood–they naturally approach things with a more positive, confident attitude.
Just like plants can weather tough storms when they have the right resources, kids can get through life’s difficulties when they have a strong foundation of love, support, and connection.
By focusing on adding more “fertilizer” to your child’s life, by giving them the tools they need and a strong home-base–you can trust that they will be better equipped to handle whatever life throws at them.
You can trust that your child will have what they need to find their way, and know that they will be okay.
Final Thoughts: Embracing Positive Parenting
This “adding-more” strategy doesn't just benefit your child who is struggling. When you prioritize connection, play, and understanding, you create more joy in your home. You build a positive and healthy family dynamic that feels better for everyone involved.
So the next time you find yourself worrying about how to help your child get back on track during a rough patch, remember this lesson from the garden: sometimes, the best thing you can do is simply add more of the good.
What questions do you have? I’m answering some of the most common ones below, but if you have more–ask me in the comments section and I’ll do my best to answer!
Frequently Asked Questions:
What are some simple ways to start “adding more good”?
- Spend quality time doing things you and your child enjoy.
- Practice being fully present and giving your child your full attention (start with even just 10 minutes!)
- Offer hugs, affection
- Tell your child what you appreciate about them.
- Play games during routine family times–meals, car trips, teeth brushing, etc.
- Schedule things in your calendar, this increases the likelihood that they actually happen!
How do I balance bringing in more good with setting important boundaries?
- Focus on connection and understanding, even when you need to set limits.
- Remember that you can be firm, while staying empathetic and kind.
- Explain your reasons for boundaries in a caring way, and stick to them.
- Offer fun alternatives or compromises to keep things light.
What if my child isn't into my attempts to add more positivity?
- Ask them what things they would like to do with you, or as a family. What are they interested in right now?
- Start with one small thing, like an extra hug before school or scheduled one-on-one time.
- Show interest in the activities that they already like to do and ask to join in.
