I’m wondering if you can relate to this parenting dilemma that my sister had.
My sister was with her daughter, who is 15 months old and just learning how to walk. They were at a playground with lots of other moms and kids.
One of the older girls got mad and as she stomped around, the older girl shoved my niece, knocking her off her feet and onto the ground. Ouch!
My sister was not sure what to do.
When you see one child push another, how do you respond?
Do you correct other people’s children?
Do you try to protect the other kids from the upset child?
Situations like this are tough.
Being in a public setting makes things tougher… Kids and parents may not all know each other. And you can assume that parents at the playground have different parenting styles.
Here are some guidelines to help you smoothly navigate pushing in the park, or even in your own home.
Be mindful of your own feelings
Seeing your child get pushed by another child, will likely bring up some of your own feelings of concern, injustice, or even anger. Before you say or do anything, take a pause to notice what feelings are present for you. In the heat of the moment, it might be hard to take the time to notice and name your feelings, however this is an important step for responding consciously, rather than unconsciously reacting.
In Social Intelligence, Daniel Goleman says, “Naming for ourselves the emotions we feel can calm the amygdala… it affirms our capacity to reconsider knee jerk negative reactions to someone.”
Reframe your judgments
In these situations, it’s also easy to fall into the trap of judging and labeling children as a “bully”, “victim”, “mean girl”, “good girl”, etc. However, these types of labels are ultimately not very useful for understanding behavior and responding to kids to support their social development.
When I find myself labeling and judging others I reframe it. This is what Daniel Goleman calls “reappraisal” in his book Social Intelligence. He says, “by changing the meaning of what we see, we alter its emotional impact”.
Here are some of my favorite ways to reframe (or “reappraise”) a child’s behavior… I can say to myself: “This is how kids learn to get along” or “Anger is a cry for help”. I also reframe the situation by saying to myself, “This is the most important thing I’m going to do today” (this last one is from our conference interview with Dr. Laura Markham).
Respond to your child
When comforting children our goal is attunement. Attunement is a fancy word for seeking to understand your child, giving your total attention and listening.
Daniel Goleman says that when we have a genuine connection with another person, we tune into their emotional state, rather than our own.
You may have lots of feelings if you find yourself in this situation–fear, shock, anger towards the other child–but responding to own child means paying attention to her feelings, rather than her own.
So what could attunement look like in “real life”?
If a child gets knocked down but doesn’t cry, she probably feels confused (“Why am I on the ground?”). You can say said, “You didn’t expect that to happen” or “That was a surprise” and help her up.
If a child gets knocked down and is sad or angry about it, you can tune in to their sadness or anger by saying, “You didn’t want to be pushed!” or “You didn’t like that!” or “That hurt your head. Ouch!”.
The important point here is that in order for a child to feel understood, seen and comforted, we tune into their feelings, rather than our own.
Protecting other kids
I feel really uncomfortable about correcting someone else’s child. However I might step in, if a child is not in control of herself or a parent is too far away, in order to protect other kids.
After being mindful of my feelings and reframing my judgements, I simply say to the child, “It’s ok to be mad, and I’m not willing for you to push”. I may even put my body between the child and others, if the situation warrants it, to protect other children.
It’s also a good idea to check in with the child’s parent. You can say, “I don’t know if you saw your daughter push another child so I told her, ‘I’m not willing for you to push.’ I hope that’s okay.”
Friendliness, understanding, and support towards other parents goes a long way and helps create the “village” that we all want for our kids.
Correcting the child
You might be thinking… But how will the other child learn not to push in the future?
Here’s something radical that came out in the child development research a few years ago… babies have an inborn sense of morality and justice, and even babies value helping over harming. This means that kids already know not to push, hit, kick, name call, etc.
So, you might ask, if kids know hitting is wrong why do they do it?
The reason kids hit, kick, or push is because they don’t know what else to do in the situation. They’ve exhausted their options. They are at the “end of their rope”. And they don’t have the brain development to control their feelings or think up new ways to solve their problem.
This doesn’t mean that us parents are helpless when kids hit, and that our only option is to wait for their brain to develop. No way! We can help support kid’s brain and social development in many ways.
One of the best way to support kid’s brain development is to talk about the situation, when they are calm. You can ask what happened for them, how they felt about it, how might the other child have felt about it, and think of different ways they can solve their problem.
In the meantime, have you had any experiences like this with pushing or hitting, in the playground or in your own home? How did you handle it? Inspire others by leaving a comment…
You can also prevent or plan ahead by using our Calming Plan for your child and the whole family.
My daughter is in kindergarten. Her bff has decided that she can hit, push, scratch, and even lick (literally) my daughter. The bff punches her parents in public, slaps glasses off their face, kicks and screams, creating the worst kind of tantrums. The parents refuse to correct their daughter. Instead, they come up with one excuse after another and ultimately decide that their brat must have been "triggered". Sadly, this is a problem that can be corrected, but only if the parents do something extreme – like being a PARENTS.
This has gone on for months and I have stayed neutral when I should have had my daughter's back. I failed in this endeavor because I didn't want to create a bigger issue. To limit the hitting, I refused to allow play dates. The thought was that my daughter and her bff could play at school with supervision.
School started less then three weeks ago and the bff has assaulted my daughter almost daily. The school is celebrating their 40 year anniversary and the bff hit and licked my daughter's face just one day before the big anniversary picture. Remember, I have never directly confronted the parents because they don't parent. The timing was clearly bad for the bff. I said nothing to the school. After the licking, the bff missed the day of the big anniversary picture and missed school again today.
Should I feel guilty? I feel for the bff, but the pushing and licking happened at a school that has a zero tolerance policy for unwanted touching. I have no control over the punishment the school deemed necessary. It's just sad that the parents could have corrected this problem. Am I the ahole here?
Steve, I believe the short answer is a “yes/and”. YES, your daughter’s friend is probably getting triggered, AND the “BFF” probably needs some support from the caring adults around her to figure out different ways to communicate and express her feelings, AND your daughter might want some support to figure out what she can do in those situations to keep her body safe and to express how sad/angry she feels when her friend does things to her that she doesn’t want. AND sounds like the school could do more to help the BFF learn (because sending a child home actually doesn’t help them learn). That’s my 2 cents at least. Hope it helps.
Recently during a play date at home my son’s younger friend (6) had a meltdown and punched me in the nose. My son (7) was crying at seeing the hit. I’ve really benefited from reading this article and wonder if there is anymore advice or take away message that I could communicate to my son. He is still upset by this incident to date.
Great question, Claire. You could reassure your son that 1. you are okay, 2. his friend didn’t mean to do it, 3. if he ever has a meltdown again that you’re going to stay a little further away to make sure that your body is safe and 4. ask him if there is anything your son needs to do to reconnect or forgive his friend or get his friend’s side of the story. Hope that helps!
Thanks for the article, definitely a must read for parents or all parenting styles. I have a problem.. a while ago I was supervising my son (7) and a friend (6) on a play date at our house. I started off carefully scaffolding some Lego play (mainly because I knew his friend had a challenging diagnosis) and then the boys started to play hide n seek. After about 45 mins they asked for screen time and I replied no we don’t have screen time on play dates. My son’s friend got angry and turned destructive; ripping up leaves from the indoor plant and throwing things, eventually he punched me in the nose while I was trying to calm him down. To this day my son (now 8) talks about this child’s angry outbursts. I feel my son.was really affected by seeing this violence.. did I do the wrong thing to try and take the tantrum on myself ?
As the only adult present, it doesn’t sound like you had many options. Perhaps it would be helpful to 1. create a plan with the friend for what to do next time when he has an outburst, 2. set up expectations from the beginning about screens etc. to lessen the disappointment. 3. talk to the friend’s parent to see what they do when their son has an outburst to see if they have any useful tips or information.
I stay in a home where our 3 floor was leese to other person who got 3 year old son.and most of the place where my son play in the building is common place .And one time while playing my son accidentally hit that boy in a eyes. I was there so yes I told my son not to do that and even soothe that child and say sorry to his mom also..after that incident I came back to my floor and got busy doing my work. When I put on my son to sleep that time the mother send me the videos of the mark. So again I ask her I ll take him to hospital if needed.But since it was minor scratch they said it's ok they don't want to take him to hospital. So I sleep the night . Next morning I took my son to school and I also went to office..Then again she send me a picture of his son. I again said sorry and asked her what I can do to ease her mind. She said how bad is my son and in near future how dangerous he can be. What to do now?
My friends son is constantly pushing my 2 year old daughter to the point where now she is scared of other boys at the playground. I've now come to this uncomfortable situation where I am now avoiding to hangout with my friend because I don't want her kid around my daughter. Sounds awful but how does one fix this situation? How do I tell her she can't have her son around my daughter till he stops pushing/hitting. I'm sorry but I will not continue to have my daughter traumatized because this little boy won't stop bullying her.
While I know we need to protect our kids from getting hurt and I can understand your concern with your friend’s child hitting your daughter, there is also perhaps an opportunity here for your daughter to practice assertive communication by saying “no” and holding up her hand like a stop sign. I know that she’s 2. And she’s likely to encounter being hit by toddlers in other situations too because young kids are just learning to use their words and so, unfortunately, it is developmentally appropriate to hit. So your daughter practicing being assertive, standing up for herself–or you standing up for her if she cannot–is a way to develop her skills while also getting the benefits of the friendship that you and your daughter have with the son and other parent.
I also wonder if you and the other parent can have a conversation about how to keep the kids from hitting each other. Sometimes it’s hard to prevent, because it happens so quickly, but maybe there is something that you both can work together to implement.
Monitoring their play, good parenting is easier caught than taught. Maybe your friend isn't aware of her son's behavior. Letting it go on will only weaken your daughter's trust in you as her parent and safe place. She can't get used to being pushed. I would agree, giving your daughter an opportunity to practice with you, in a non stressful situation to practice what to say when anyone hits or pushes. Debriefing and talking honestly about the little boy, ask her how she feels when he pushes her. Often, the biggest first step is feeling heard when we share our big feelings and what better ears than yours! Then make a plan with her that you will see through… We will be seeing "Johnny" this afternoon at the park. Mommy will be sure to be nearby. I'll be watching and listening as best I can but if he pushes you, you say ____ (I don't like being pushed. Everybody keep hands to yourself.) then come tell Mommy. Or have her come find you first so you can be an emotional support to her but ideally you'd see it and be there. Then if it happens again, we'll go ahead and do some things else fun just you and me! Natural consequences, if you hit/push/shove you don't keep having friends. It's better to be exposed to this in a loving environment than at school where a teacher will label the child.
Great strategies, Novella! Thanks for the comment.
My child is 7 and is diagnosed with ADHD he hits a lot in school. And the school sent him home and get upset with my son. What to do as I clearly see that the school is not equip to handle him.
Unfortunately I don’t have the ability to give you advice for this situation. But these are situations that we support parents with, in parent coaching. If you are interested in parent coaching, let me know. Thanks.
Bonnie, this sounds like a difficult situation. I can imagine that you are feeling angry and sad about the situation. My advice would be to have follow-up conversations with my children. These are things I might say…
– I’m sorry that this happened and that you had to deal with it alone, I imagine you were feeling scared and confused. It’s not okay to hit other people. Is there anything that you want me to know about how you felt or how the experience was for you?
– In the future if someone hits you or your sibling, what can you do to make sure that you are safe and can get help?
– What stopped you from getting help from me last time?
– What should we as a family do in the future to make sure that everyone feels safe at the park?
Hope this helps.
Hello I am in need of some advice. I was at the playground with my four kids and they were all spread out in different areas when it happened so I didn’t really know what was going on. When my four kids age 9 6 four and two came to the park they were all alone except for this one kid at the top of the tower. It looks like he was a middle school but was lonely and asked for permission to play tag with my kids so who am I to tell this child he couldn’t play with mine so of course I said yes my boys took to him and my girls were a little afraid of him cuz he was so big. Anyways at some point this child got angry at my 4-year-old little girl and told her she wasn’t allowed to go up the ladder and go down the slide and held her arm wouldn’t let her up the ladder and when she yelled at him he apparently smacked her in the face. I was getting my other child from the other side of the park and didn’t see this as my other children told me about it when we got home. Apparently my six-year-old stepped in and told him to keep his hands off his sister and when he slapped her my son smacked him and told him to keep his hands to himself. Apparently this older child that looked to be 13 or 14 threatened him and told him he would beat his tail and to f off. I don’t know why they kept that to themselves I guess they thought we would have to leave if I knew that there was an altercation? After that my other two kids went to go playoff with kids their own age and some of their friends from school came so I wasn’t concerned. When I got home and heard the story I was so disheartened that my child had been hurt and that I had no idea and had happened. I don’t know what I could have done in that situation the child’s parent wasn’t there and he was out of control. I have never seen an older child attack a small child before and I don’t know what I should do in the future to protect my children from anonymous children because no one really knows what a child is thinking especially on a busy playground with 30 plus kids at a time but also if his parents weren’t there like who is supposed to handle this what is a good strategy for next time anything bad happens. I’m definitely keeping a closer eye and keeping them together at the park for now on but I really hate that I feel untrustworthy of other kids playing with my kids now.
Ana, it is certainly difficult to watch a child get hit. It hurts us to see people we love in pain. And at the same time, from what I know about child development, the relationship that kids have with their parents, their family, and their community is protective. If kids get hurt but have people they can talk to, to process it, kids often recover just fine.
Thanks for this article. First time I read you, and such a coincidence now.
I would like to ask you how should one react, and more important, what should one tell to the child that has been hit.
My cousin (3 year old girl) was playing at the park, lying in a rope web, near the slide; there was another girl too (maybe 4 or 5 YO), suddenly the girl told my cousin to get down and leave. My cousin told her “we have to share, you have to share” (there is enough space for 2 kids), the girl told her to shut up, and not only hit her in the head, but also told her “you are nothing, you are not a girl”.
My little cousin began crying, and was really sad and upset. Her mom took her aside and try to console her.
The other girl kept palying and her parents didn’t say a thing.
We just left.
My heart is broken…
I think that little girl has suffered physical abuse and violence, propably she has seen or heard that phrase, and I am sympathetic. But the whole incident, was really awful. My little cousin is very sensitive and I wonder how much could this affect her.
Thanks.
honestly i faced this situation today too – i wish i knew the answer- i guess we can’t control what other parents do but we can control who our kids spend time with..?. my daughter is now hitting me after never once hitting on her life – one day after hanging out with another little kid who hit her a lot during a play date, they are both 15m and he constantly finds things to hit her in the head with and at one point she broke down just crying and i could tell she was like what the hell! why do you keep letting him meet me and i tried to explain to her it’s not ok and to say no and ouch him away if he smothered or hit her.i felt i needed to intervene and protect her a handful of times and i considered ending the play date, but the worst part wa she other mom just was at the end of her rope and didn’t have the capacity to do anything like perhaps this kid acts this way all the time. i love these people but idk if i should keep playing with them if this little boy keeps hitting my daughter..? i feel like it’s setting a terrible example of behavior and idk what to do?!
Hi! Thanks for the article!
I have a question about how to handle aggressive and defiant behavior in my 3-year old daughter. She is a super loving and friendly person but lately she’s been using “new” ways to be defiant beyond the usual “no”, like saying “I don’t care” or spitting on the floor or challenging us by saying a bad word we don’t use at home (“stupid”, and we don’t know where she learnt that one!). This has happened mostly at home but today she hit a classmate with a toy and when approached by the teacher she said “I don’t care” that the boy was hurt. In my experience, if I react by getting mad immediately that only makes matters worse and she finds it amusing, while if I express sadness that seems to make her get to the “sorry” phase much faster. However, how to stop this from happening to begin with? Is it a call for more attention/ boredom/structure? I’m not sure how to help her. Thanks!
Thanks for the question, Veronica. You might not be able to stop the situation to begin with. My guess is that her behavior is an attempt to communicate. Talk about the situation, when she is calm. You can ask what happened for her, how she felt about it, how might the other child have felt about it, and talk about different ways she can solve her problem.
Hi! First, I loved your article! I am in a bit of a dilemma. My daughter just started kindergarten two months ago. She rides the school bus and loves it. It has worked out well, until now.
We just got a call from her teacher that our daugther was participating in name calling and yelling on the bus over markers with 4th grade students, which was surprising because she loves the the 4th graders and they have actually been quite protective over her. Our daughter’s teacher mentioned that the fourth graders came to her yesterday about this and evidently another incident happened this morning.
To make matters worse, at first, our daughter was not honest about the situation when the teacher first asked her about what happened. She had to probe our daughter a bit and she finally admitted to name calling and yelling on the bus. The teacher was somewhat vague about certain details. Of course, I understand that she could not divulge which students were involved, etc. So, now I am trying to mentally piece things together.
That said, my husband and I are pretty sure that we know how to address the issue with our daughter, but if I know the kids (and their parents) who she name called , I am not sure if I should apologize to them also? Of course, we are beyond disappointed, embarrassed, and heart broken regardless of who she name called. If it’s the group of older students who have been absolutely amazing to her, that’ll make this even worse and adds to my guilt, as I know their parents and we are all building relationships as a community.
I am not sure how to handle this situation. Thoughts?
If I reached out to the other parents I’d say something like, “We know there was an incident on the bus with our daughter but we don’t know the details or who was involved. We also know that a lot of the 4th graders have been very kind to our daughter and she would like to maintain that connection. Is your child one of the ones that our daughter called a name? If so, can our daughter write a note to your child?” Have your daughter practice writing (or dictating) a note to the other kids. And don’t be too hard on yourself or your child. Kids can be very understanding, Name calling is common for kids to experiment with, to see what kind of reaction they can get. It’s all very developmentally appropriate.
I brought my 15 month old to the playground today. He was crawling up a step small play house when an older child about 5 or 6 ran up and pushed him off (there was lots of room on the step for others to get by). My son got up and went to play with spinning toys on the wall minding his own business, the older boy came back pushed him over again and shouted in his face. My son wasn’t upset so I didn’t interfere at this point.
The older boy then pulled back his fist to punch my son in the face.
I was so shocked and didn’t know how to react. I immediately picked my son up and said to the other boy “he’s only a baby”, to which the other boy said “he was bullying me!”. That boys parents were nowhere to be seen and I saw him being aggressive with other children in the playground. I felt really angry afterwards and wished I had set clearer boundaries with the other child, because his parents clearly weren’t, but I’m not sure what the right approach would be.
That sounds like a difficult situation. And I’m impressed you handled it so calmly. It can be very challenging to set boundaries with other people’s children, especially if you are feeling shocked. One thing that may help is saying something like, “I’m not willing for you to hit, it’s okay if you need to get by my baby. If you want me to move him I can do that, but I’m not willing for you to push him.” I hope that is helpful. Good luck!
I’m quite confused about my 4.5 year old sons aggressive behaviour. He is very good at expressing his emotions, and his preschool friends are the sweetest kids imaginable. They greet him with hugs every day. But for the last week he has been extremely anxious, begging not to go to preschool, claiming to be scared and sad. And according to his teacher he has been pushing, kicking and even bit another kid, seemingly unprovoked, last week. Unless things change the school will have to charge us extra for a special ed teacher for him. He has never been aggressive at home, plays emphatically with his cousins, is helpful and sweet. But at preschool he’s a menace. What can we do?
It is unusual for a child’s behavior to change so quickly in such a short period of time. It sounds like there is something else happening for him. I would be curious about the other stressors in your child’s life and look for underlying causes for these behaviors. What do the teachers believe is the cause? Are there things outside school that are stressful for him?
Hello !
My son is being hit by my friends daughter. They are around 2.5 years. When she hits him he face turns to disappointment and wants to cry but look at me and hold his tears. It was repeated several times. I tell him she was trying to kiss you or hug you so he comes to kiss her but she pushes him away. I’m afraid this will make him feel rejected. I am concerned about his emotions and what might he thinke. What shall I do ? How do you think this will affect him ?
At this young age hitting is common because kids don’t have the language to ask for what they want. I might try to teach the girl the words to express what she’s feeling. Ask her, “What is the hitting is trying to say?”. If she can learn to use words then the hitting will go away (eventually). Is she trying to say, “I need some space” or “I want the toy you have” or “I’m upset because xyz” or something else? By teaching the girl what to say it also role models to your son that words are more effective than hitting, and I might also teach him to ask if she wants a hug or kiss or a kiss before giving her one (then he won’t get pushed away and it teaches consent).
Thank you for this blog article! I should have read this way back when my daughter was 10 month and got bitten on her cheek by a 20 month old boy. I felt helpless yet confused at the same time because it came to me as a surprise and didn’t know these things could happen. Wasn’t at my best parenting moment as all I did was told the mom I know he didn’t mean it desperately wanting my daughter to be liked and for her to make many friends at the playground. All I did was cuddle and breastfed to soothe her. Yup not my finest parenting moment. Today she is 18 months and I want her to be assertive yet I can see that she is still a sweet gentle little soul while other older kids are aggressively snatching her snack box and pushing her to get their way. What do you do in those situations? Snatch the snack box back and face the fury of the other toddler or just give your toddler another snack (I tend to bring multiple snacks just in case)? Both options don’t feel right somehow. Suggestions?
Rozana, great question. Toddlers will often grab something or hit because they don’t yet have the language or impulse control to ask for what they want. In your situation with the snack box, I might try to model the language to the other child, “Oh, you have the snack box. Are you hungry?” If the child nods yes. Then I’d say, “This snack box is for my daughter but I have more snacks to share, if it’s okay with your mom or dad.” Help the child give the snack back to your daughter and find the other child’s parent to see if you can give them a snack. How does that sound?
Genius! I like that a lot.. will definitely try that. Learning so much from you and all the materials you put out to the world… thank you!!
Glad that it was helpful! xox
Hi
Feeling really confused right now and do not know the way forwards help! Pls
My daughter was playing with her best friend who is a boy. He’s usually sweet and kind but they had a misunderstanding and he shoved and hit her.. I’m now wondering where we go from here?
They have been best friends for a long time and it’s the first time something like this has happened my instinct is to let them have a little breathing room before reuniting them..
At the same time I do not want to teach her that she needs to forgive someone who hits her and remain friends? I was in a physically abusive relationship when I was younger And the last thing I want to do is normalise her forgiving males that hit her..
I have no idea which way to turn pls help many thanks Marg
Margaret, this is tricky when your own trauma history comes up. True we don’t want to normalize males hitting females. And it’s also very normal for young kids to run out of words and to resort to hitting, your own daughter will likely hit someone she cares about at some point in her childhood. How about teaching her that if someone hits her she can tell them, “No, stop” and get an adult to help?
I’m struggling with a situation at home – with what’s right and what’s normal. My partner and I have a blended family, his 2 kids and my only child plus our newborn. He has a girl 9, a boy 6 and my boy is 4. The boys get along famously.
The other day, the boys were sitting on the couch side by side, watching a movie and toying around with things. The 6 year old was spinning a toy and accidentally elbowed the 4 year old right in the face, which hurt and he cried out. The 6 year old immediately apologized and asked if he was ok, and the 4 year old immediately hit him back, landing the hand high near the back of his neck. My partner stepped in immediately shouting at the top of his lungs, “Hey, (pause) GET OVER HERE!” To which my son immediately burst into tears as he always does when my partner yells at him which happens with frequency. I heard this all from the other room and came running into the room in between my partner and my son and told my partner to not talk to my son like that, to which he responded, still yelling at the top of his lungs, “HE HIT MY SON”. I said your son is not hurt, no one is dying and you don’t need to talk to my son that way. Once the situation de-escalated, my partner punished my son by separating the boys and not allowing them to play together for the rest of the night.
The disagreement continues. I’d like to understand the following:
Is it normal for a 4 year old to hit back after getting elbowed in the face? The boys don’t have many disagreements, and the 4 year old has hit once or twice before but this hasn’t been an ongoing issue. My partner is saying that my son hit his son maliciously because he had an angry look on his face and because he did it intentionally. But my son had no way of knowing why he got hit on the first place and was hurt, plus this all happened in about 3 seconds so how could he have processed anything but “pain, hit back”. My partner keeps telling me that hitting back is not a normal response and I disagree.
What is normal? Is my child malicious for hitting back? Is disallowing the boys to play together for the rest of the night an appropriate punishment? What other comments or ideas can you offer?
Thank you kindly.
I would guess that if we are accidentally elbowed in the face most adults, including myself, have to fight the instinct to not hit back. It’s a big ask for a 4 year old to not hit back when they’ve been hurt. The biggest issue, as I see it, in the situation that you describe, is that you and you partner have quite different parenting styles.
Is punishment ever appropriate? I would argue that most of the time punishment is a distraction for the child. I’d recommend the book How to Talk So Kids will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids will Talk by Faber and Mazlish. Maybe you and your partner can read it together to get more on the same page?
My daughter is 3 years old , one of her friends is 4 years old , when they are playing together he hits her and a lot of times yells at her or sabotage her toys, and when he does that his mother would approch my daughter and would say am sorry he didn’t mean to do that , without telling her Son that it’s not ok to hurt others ,or ask him to say sorry to my daughter . How should i react in such situations.
My daughter is 1.5 yrs old, she has a friend that is a year older and often hurts her without being prompted, without motive – I.e. no toys are being taken from her or negative things occurring on my daughter’s end. In fact this girl usually snatches my daughter’s belongings (snacks, toys) from her. What can I say/do with my child to reinforce to her that the hitting and snatching from this friend wasn’t warranted and it’s not something she “deserved” to receive in that moment. How can I help her understand that no matter the situation, no one should ever harm her body and make sure she understands that she is important and she matters.
Young children are still learning how to use their words instead of hitting, so if the parent of the other child is not present (or not addressing the situation) talking to both the kids may be most effective.
Maybe you can teach your child to say “no” and to put up her hand like a stop sign. If your daughter is hurt then you can say, “You didn’t want to get hit. That didn’t feel good. You want your friend to use her words.”
Maybe you can talk to the other child saying, “My daughter is saying ‘no’ because hitting hurts. If you say ‘I want a snack’ or ‘I want that toy’ then I can help you get the toy or get some food.”
It makes sense that you were frustrated in that situation where your daughter wasn’t being supported by her teacher or the other parent… I used to teach preschool kids and we would teach kids to tell those who pushed them, “Stop, I don’t like that.” and to hold up a hand as a “stop sign”.
Today in gymnastics another girl maybe 5 or 6 kept getting in my daughter’s face. Then I saw her push my dtr with both hands against her chest.My dtr is 4. She came out and said mommy that girl is being mean to me. I told her to tell the teacher. The dad of this girl was just sitting on his phone. The girl did it again . At the end of class the girl was by her dad. I went over there with my dtr and called her by name and said I saw you push my dtr a couple of times. The dad said really?? Say you’re sorry! And she did. She was taken aback and I was glad. It honestly pissed me off. We just walked away.
Dave, this can be a tough situation. How did your child react when this happened? Do you feel okay about how you handled things and how you supported your child?
My son was pushed off the playground set and was struggling to breath. I ran to check on him and when he got better I looked for the other child and parent but they started running away. Is there anything I can do? Do I just let people get away with risking my child’s life?
Juan, it sounds like you were very concerned and scared for your sons safety. That makes sense. It’s unfortunate that the parent and child ran away before you were able to have a conversation with them. I don’t know what else you could have done to de-escalate the situation.
I’m seeing a lot of childrens’ hitting being attributed to lack of ability to effectively communicate, sharing issues, etc. but am having difficulty finding information on instances where this is not the case. There is a child at our playground (2 years old) that sets out to hit/disrupt the other children deliberately. He will walk up to a child and take their toy, then show it to them and pull it back in an effort to antagonize. On multiple occasions, he will walk up to children playing and hit them with sticks, toys, sand or whatever is available. I closely watch this kid around my son and today he picked up a large toy truck, looked around then deliberately pushed it directly into my son, knocking him down. I had pretty much had it with this kids behavior and responded emotionally, asking his guardian, “what’s wrong with this kid?” (Not my best moment). Her response was, “he’s at the age where sharing is difficult.” I told her that this situation had nothing to do with sharing, and something is wrong here. A bit of a regrettable exchange. Anyway, does anyone have any ideas as to what this behavior could be attributed to at this age? Thanks
GeoBonneville, thanks for sharing your experience. When a child looks like he’s deliberately hurting kids, it could be attributed to a lot of things (language delay, developmental delay, lack of social or emotional skills, etc). In my experience often times when kids are “acting out” they are trying to play with the other child, but they don’t know how…
But regardless of the underlying reason for the other child’s behavior, the question remains, what do you do to help your child be safe? I might say something to my child before we go to the park such as, “Last time we were at the park, ‘Sammy’ was having a tough time being gentle with other people’s bodies. What do you want to do if he’s there again today?” and come up with a plan.
If I saw “Sammy” at the park getting too close to my child with a truck, I might say something like “Sammy, that truck is too close and I’m not willing for you to push my son, but he might enjoy playing with you. He likes to dig in the sand. What do you like to do?” Saying something like this simultaneously protects your child, and hopefully shows “Sammy” that he doesn’t have to push others with trucks to get them to play with him.
What does the phrase, “I’m not willing for your to push” mean?
There’s a typo. It’s supposed to say, “I’m not willing for YOU to push” meaning “I’m not willing for you to push, or hit, or kick someone else.” Hope that helps. And thanks for helping us with the typo!
Great article thank you Cecillia : )
You’re welcome, Hari!
Today my child kicked another child in the face at a play center. I’m not sure why. I saw her coming down and the younger toddler was probably going up. According to the other child’s mother my daughter said “no” and “purposefully” kicked the girl. I’m not sure why my daughter did this or if anything else occurred beforehand. But the other mother made me feel guilt. I’m not sure what she expected from me. But she definitely did not give me compassion or understanding.
I’m sorry you had that experience. It’s not easy when our kids act out, especially in public with other kids! Your child might not know why she did it. And answering “Why?” questions can be difficult for young kids. You could ask her what happened just before she kicked her to get some clues…
Thanks for this blog. I used to be an Aupair :) and remember one time that this happened to my babygirl. That time I was letting her socialize and saw that one older boy kicked her!! and she was just covering her back with her little hands, not willing to respond the same way as we have taught her. I got so angry and ran immediately. I didn´t see the parents of this boy and I told him something similar about what you are recommending adding “If you do this again to any kid, I´ll come and do the same to you, I´ll be watching you”. :( I know that wasn´t correct and let my emotions talk. Thanks so much
It’s hard when we see people we care about getting hurt, and it’s understandable that you wanted to protect the little girl you were watching. Glad you liked the post!
It’s wonderful to teach kids about their feelings and needs!
I am grateful to Marshall Rosenberg and his theory Non-violent communication..
Now it’s usual to hear my kids say I will not do this because I need something else, Or I am sad because I am hungry
and your article has shown me a couple of things that are so useful .. thank you ;)
That’s a wonderful story! Thank you!
Sweet, Elena!
Wonderful!
Sharri, sorry that this occurred as being rushed. I was trying to make it brief. You’ve got some nice suggestions in your comment. Thanks for contributing those!
Nice, Victoria!
What a very good article!!! I’m printing it off for education of my toddler parents. My intention is to help toddler parents learn as much as possible for a lifetime of insight.
I love the example you make of ‘body blocking’. I do a lot of body blocking in my work with toddlers (12 in a class each year).
Good examples for posture to take on is in the Ted Talk: “Your body language may shape who you are” in which Amy Cuddy explains how “standing in a posture of confidence, even when we don’t feel confident —
a can boost feelings of confidence, and might have an impact on our
chances for success.” But add all your kindness and love as you stand firm.
I’d like to add that the ‘pusher’ will notice your intent, and words may not even be necessary. It’s a way to offer a ‘face saving’ experience of the child who’s out of control and now ‘checked’ by you. You can extend Grace by lovingly smiling, as if to say “I know that at this moment you’re out of control. I can see that you’ve been triggered by something and your emotions involuntarily got a hold of you, (which happens to all of us sometimes). It’s not easy to find the right way of being back in this moment, so here I am, blocking you (lovingly) from hurting others, helping you to find your way back to who you really are. This moment you’re taken by inner turmoil, but on the inside I know that you’re bigger than this.”
It will be unlikely that the child will try to move through or go around you. This ‘checked’ experience of the child will help modify the behavior in that moment.
Thanks, Johanna! It’s great to start when kids are young!
Lovely article. However my current challenge at home is that my nearly four year old often pushes and hits his 18 mo sister out of jealousy/frustration/impatience. I try to help him go through things afterwards but he is not verbsl enough to really enable a conversation do I’m not sure how to go about it.
Eva, it’s harder when kids are less verbal. What might work is to be the voice of the child, meaning to say the things that he might be thinking. For example, “You’re sad because you want me spending time with you and not playing with your sister. You pushed because you felt so frustrated you didn’t know what to do. We can play after I’m done with this game. What could you do while you’re waiting?…”
I find it hard when older kids barrel past/push in front of younger kids and find myself half yelling after them “dude! Slow down”. I’m never quite sure what to do in those moments as the older kid is often off in their own world not really paying attention and is gone moments after it happens. It concerns me because I’m trying to teach my son that it’s important to consider others on the playground – especially younger, or smaller kids and I can’t help feeling most of the older kids set a bad example! … I’m trying to put into place a nightly routine of reviewing our day, as I find if I am dealing with something difficult with him during the day and I’m thinking I’ll re-visit what happened with him later on I often forget. I hope that by having a nightly routine of reviewing the day I might remember to talk through that stuff with him.
Anne-Marie, I love the “reviewing the day” routine! It’s wonderful for you and your son. And, yes, sometimes the, “Dude, slow down!” approach works too, depending on the relationship you have with the kids and how many conversations they’ve already hear about the topic. If it’s a familiar topic then sometimes those short reminders work best!
Again and again see that LOVE and UNDERDSTANDING is the only “correct” reaction towards agrresive behaviour. My youngest daughter started behaving much better after her techers in montessori kindergarden were able to approach her with love and understaning. She has become much gentler and respecting child. She has also grown, her brain has developed – but I believe that the work of the teachers played major part in that change. :-) You can imagine, how grateful and humble I feel! :-) Irena, Czech republic
Wonderful story!
Thank you for some of the reframing. When my daughter, age 3, gets really mad at me or tired she lashes out and hits her baby sister, or is overly physical (age 4 months). I have yelled a few times when I have been really scared she was about to really hurt her sister. I know why she is doing it, but that doesn’t make it easier when she does. I am usually able to calmly stop her and tell her not to hit and try to empathize with her in the moment. What can I do to stop this from happening? Do I just have to wait for her to grow out of it? I feel like I’m just not doing the right thing since it keeps happening.
For some kids it takes a while–years–to get out of the “habit” of hitting. As a teacher and a parent, the ways I “sped up” the process of learning not to hit are to look for patterns of behavior (so you can be proactive), have conversations outside the moment with the child, change the environment or the daily routine, and get support for my own feelings of inadequacy, blame (of myself), and hopelessness.
One thing I say to the other kid as I get between them if possible, “ooo, seems like you are having a hard time, let’s find your mom or dad.” (While scanning for the parent/ guardian). I have to say, if a parent does not see it, my tendency is not to “tell” on kids as many adults still hit and punish their kids. So if the altercation ends it ends, unless the other child is upset. I might say to other parent, “he’s upset he cannot have my guy’s toy, its so hard to be so young and want so much.”
The one thing I have noticed is literally kids being “watched” all the time by adults, many often corrected. Like literally there was a time, a parent I know, whose teacher, while in school was emailing the parent, “Bessy is not focusing, she is braiding her friend’s hair.” Like hello, maybe you need a more interesting lesson. But feels so like tattling. Like kid is distracted, bored or whatever. Deal with it. Our kids should be able to have separate lives from us and have their “mistakes” be private as well.
To me just have empathy for people. We all screw up.
Sandy, all good points! And I agree, kids need time away from adults to make their own mistakes and have their own private life. In the classroom, if my activities weren’t engaging for the child then I looked mostly to change myself, the activity, or the environment.
I’m not a parent but a teacher. I work with 2 year olds. I can relate very well with the hitting, biting, scratching, spitting, etc. Children are trying to express their emotions but doesn’t know how to. When things like this be going on in my classroom, I can’t put them in time-out because its stated by the STATE. All I can do is redirect them to another activity away from the situation. I do let my parents know on a daily basis how their child’s behavior has been. If things doesn’t change, I have ones over me that helps with these behaviors. I work for Head Start. Sometimes the changes helps. Sometimes it doesn’t. What I started teaching my kids is to confront one another and tell that person how he/she felt when that person did something mean. After a while my kids got a hang of it and sometimes I don’t have to intervene.
That’s great! I’ve had the same experience too… that with role modeling, kids learn to talk to each other and work out their struggles without me!
This happened to us just the other night! I think my new phrase (to whoever is doing the hitting-my kid or another) is going to be something like, “Ouch! Hitting hurts! I won’t let you hit (name of child)! I can see you’re upset. Is there something you would like to say instead?” Then try and open up the communication that way. To the kid who was hit , I would say something like, “that was a surprise wasn’t it? Hitting hurts. (While giving a hug..) Would you like to say something to (the kids that hit?)” If they aren’t sure how to approach the other child, I’d probably help give them words, i.e.: “When someone hits you you can stay, STOP! Please don’t hit me that hurts!”
I wish I’d read this a few days ago. Just the other day I caught a young girl about to spit on my son from up on the climbing frame. I don’t think I handled it particularly well, I told her in a very loud voice not to spit as it is disgusting behaviour. Oh well, I’m a work in progress!
I’m right there next to you! We are all works in progress!
“put my body between the child and others” of course! A Present adult can have timely intervention to avoid children to harm each other.
And this piece is GOLD for us to shift perspective of our role with children:
“… babies have an inborn sense of morality and justice, and even babies value helping over harming. This means that kids already know not to push, hit, kick, name call, etc.”
Glad you liked it!
I tend to stay out of playground arguments except to comfort/reassure my own child. I try to restate what happened, then give them the words to say themselves next time it happens. There was an instance, however, of a child who was visiting our house, and was clearly about to hit my child hard. Both the kids involved were preschool age at that point. Since I saw it coming, I did actually hold his arm and say, “We don’t hit other people in our house.” He looked really surprised, and didn’t hit.
Those are great ideas. Thanks for sharing, Hilary!
Hello,
Thank You for this topic. Everything sounds great. Yet.. I’ve had situations when other parents totally deny the problem when their child hurts other kids and they are mad if you say a word. I realize that leaving is an option in this case, but sometimes it is not possible. I wonder what would other options be?
And one more thing. I raise four kids, almost three-year-old twins, boy and girl, among them. They fight a lot, so the “other mum” is me again :) I try to mind my reaction so much, dr. Laura Markham made such a good point during the conference, but again- the “victim” keeps repeating he/she has been hurt until I tell something to the other twin. It feels like their demand of justice requires acknowledgement that what brother/sister did was wrong. I try to navigate with “no hitting”, “we can be mad, but we don’t bite” etc as much as I can, but it is still quite a problem sometimes.
Vaida, yes it is hard when another parent gets defensive or embarrassed. I would just talk about my experience “I saw ___. I said ___ to your child. I felt ___.” No one can deny you your experience. About the situation with your own kids I’ve found that giving each child empathy can lessen the “demand for justice”. Saying to one child, “You didn’t like it when she hit you. You’re so sad and hurt. I’m sorry that happened.” And to the other child with compassion, “You’re sad too that she didn’t want to give you the toy she’s playing with. You tried talking. You didn’t know what to do so you hit.” Then shifting to “How are we going to work this out? Who has an idea about how to share this toy?”
Thank you, Cecilia, that’s what I am constantly trying to do and it seems to me it works, a least most of the time :) Of course, situations vary and kids have their long history, I believe you know :), but yes, this way is the good one, I know.
:) It’s the good, not always easy way!
Recently we were at the playground and my child was not hitting but she was being very verbally unkind to a friend’s child. I felt so ashamed and have had to work through these feelings. I stay home with my kids, they are screen free, I give her lots of attention and practice compassionate communication. I felt angry that I work so hard and yet she acts like this. I was almost wanting to say to her “Ok this isn’t fair, you’re the worst behaved kid here and yet I’m trying SO hard!” I really appreciate this idea that ‘she knows what is right’ but her brain just hasn’t developed enough to actually ‘do’ right (all of the time). I find a super excited and genuine “Wow that was so kind” type of thing really helps her to know how good it can feel to be nice. It’s hard to let go of ego and wanting our kids to be nice in public. I was wondering if people who are practising compassionate parenting/communication find that sometimes their kids seem the ‘worst behaved’. Seems counter-intuitive. Maybe it’s the price we pay to play the long game? I don’t know!
Lydia, I feel the same quite often! And in my country my style of parenting is not No1, let’s say, so when my kids misbehave, I get lots of “oh, your theories!! Let’s see how you will handle them with all your tolerance!” and I feel really desperate sometimes. I agree, this idea that they KNOW, they just CAN’T YET is very comforting.
Yes, it’s pretty fascinating and validating to see the research!
I can understand your embarrassment and disappointment. It’s easy to make our kids behavior a reflection of us–especially when we try so hard to raise them! Kids have bad days too and yes, her brain will continue to develop! Interesting observations that you’ve made about other people’s kids… I have not read any research that says that kids raised compassionately are less well behaved when they are young. I still think it’s important to have limits, and to support them during teaching moments.