If you’re reading this, you likely view parenting from a “power with” rather than a “power over” perspective.
“Power over” is the domain paradigm and the unfortunate norm in most families, communities, institutions, schools, religions, and governments. You might see “power over” techniques used, not just in parenting, but in how we train our pets, grow our gardens, educate our children, care for the environment, heal illness, how we care for ourselves, or treat prisoners. On and on and on.
The “power with” paradigm is not the cultural norm (yet). For me, “power with” means that I’m going to assume you are doing the best you can, even if you’re behaving in a way that I don’t enjoy. I will treat you and myself with respect, curiosity, and compassion. If we disagree, I will work with you to understand your perspective and help you understand mine, and we will find a solution that works for both of us.
“Power with” does not mean passive or permissive parenting, or in any other realm. Being compassionate doesn’t mean you don’t have limits and boundaries.
Dr. Brené Brown, researcher and social worker, has found that the most compassionate people also have the most healthy boundaries. Maintaining boundaries keeps you out of resentment and overwhelm so you can continue giving from a place of generosity and sufficiency, rather than giving from a place of lack, or “should”, or from our brokenness.
According to Brené’s research, compassionate people “assume other people are doing the best they can, but they also ask for what they need and don’t put up with a lot of crap”.
So here is what I’m curious about:
- In what family or personal issues, do you feel burnt out, overwhelmed, anxious, or hopeless?
- In which areas in your parenting or personal life, do you have a “power over” perspective?
- What is the one thing you can do, using a “power with” approach, that would make a difference in you feeling less overwhelmed, worried, or hopeless? (For example, you might talk to a friend, get in action in some way, ask for help, have a boundary, tell someone “no”, take a nap, or something else.)
If you’re practicing “power with” compassion, don’t be afraid to:
- Ask for what you need
- Say “no” when you need to
- Say “yes” when you mean it
I’d love to hear what you are going to do to shift from a “power over” to “power with”. Comment on the blog (we read and respond to all comments). Your ideas just might inspire someone else too.
I tried power with but my 6yo son (which is neurodivergent) but he would not understand boundaries, he screams in the morning bad words, he would be disrespectful with his little brother, with me and with his father. I try to ask him how he would feel better but nothing seems to help…. I just need to condition his behaviour so that we can have breakfast in peace and his bother (3yo) could have a good start of the morning. Same happens once they are back to school, the house become like a war place (fighting, screaming, crying for at least the first 40-60min).
My eldest is too intense and aggressive but for no apparent reason. We can’t focus on him 100% of the time because we need to cook, prepare breakfast, change nappies of the little one. Once we engage with him all is fine but then the little one is the kid that try to pick the attention with aggressive behaviour…. They both want to be single kids but they aren’t…
Can you tell me how you would implement the power with a boy that is disruptive once he feels don’t have attention?
It sounds like your son has some unmet needs and he’s struggling to communicate those. I can imagine that it is very difficult to address the needs of all your children at the same time. I might suggest that you ask your oldest “How can we make mornings easier for you?”. When kids are understood by the adults around them and when they can express their feelings without judgement from the adults, then kids tend to be better able to hear and respect a limit that parents set. It’s not an easy balance but it could start from a calm conversation that you have with your child outside the moment (rather than in the rush of the morning).
My husband has a long term degenerative muscle disease and we are at the stage of including additional caregivers (home health aides) in our home and in our routines. It’s been an adjustment, but it has also given me multiple opportunities to practice setting boundaries with compassion (DISCLAIMER – I am DEFINITELY still not great at it), both with the aides themselves (I’m not going to do their dishes or buy their cereal) and with my husband because the aides can cover for me (I’m able to sleep in my office on weeknights in order to be functional at work the next day because he has an overnight aide in the bedroom) and that practice has helped me ALSO set other boundaries even when there ISN’T an aide to cover for me, like “I will bring you that non-urgent item of interest, but not until after I’ve eaten my breakfast…”
This blog entry helps put words to this process and mindset in a slightly different way, though, so thanks for that…
Julina, sounds like a lot that you’ve got on your plate. I’m glad that the blog post was helpful for you. And I’m glad you are including yourself in the circle of people you care for. Hugs, Cecilia