Why asking questions is one of the most important things we can do as parents
My favorite way to have a conversation and connect with my kids and family is to ask questions. It may sound simple, but asking children the right questions not only opens up connection-building dialogue but also shows them that we are genuinely interested in their thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Since it can be hard to think of meaningful questions “in the moment”, I created a list of connection-building questions and conversation starters that I’ll share with you below.
Questions Help You Understand Your Child and Create Safety
Questions are the bridge to our children's inner worlds, opening doorways to their thoughts, worries, dreams, and daily experiences that might otherwise remain hidden. When parents ask thoughtful questions – not just “How was school?” but “What made you smile today?” or “What challenged you?” – they signal genuine interest in their child's perspective and create safe spaces for honest dialogue.
This simple yet powerful practice helps children develop self-awareness and communication skills while feeling truly seen and understood by their parents.
Questions Build Emotional Intelligence
Asking thoughtful questions helps develop children's emotional vocabulary and self-awareness. Questions like “What do you think made you feel that way?” or “How did you know you were angry?” help children connect their experiences to their emotions, building emotional intelligence.
Questions Build Critical Thinking and Model Curiosity
Conversations can also model critical thinking. When we ask our child “What do you think might happen if…?” or “How else could we solve this?”, we're teaching our kids to consider consequences, explore alternatives, and develop problem-solving skills.
Questions Increase Connection
Questions can also deepen family connections during everyday moments. At dinner, a question like “What was the most surprising part of your day?” might reveal a playground triumph or a classroom challenge that a simple “How was your day?” would miss.
Questions Help Kids Cope With Their Feelings
During bedtime, “What are you looking forward to tomorrow?” can ease anxiety and build optimism. Even during conflicts, thoughtful questions like “What would help you feel better right now?” can transform a moment of disconnection into an opportunity for repair, emotional growth, and understanding.
Questions Show Kids That They Matter
Most importantly, questions show children that their thoughts and opinions matter and that we value their unique perspective. When we ask “What do you think about that?” and truly listen to the answer, we're telling them that their voice is important, and building the self-confidence they'll need throughout their lives.
Common Pitfalls with Questions – And How To Avoid Them
Here are some stumbling blocks that parents encounter when asking children questions, along with constructive solutions for each:
Pitfall: Asking Too Many Questions
Bombarding children with multiple questions in a row can overwhelm them.(“How was school? Did you eat lunch? Who did you play with? Did you finish your homework?”)
Solution: Space out questions naturally throughout your interactions. Let one conversation thread finish before starting another. This gives children time to process and respond thoughtfully rather than feeling interrogated.
Pitfall: Asking Leading Questions
Asking questions that push children toward your preferred answer can discourage them from considering what they actually think. (“Don't you think you should apologize to your sister?”)
Solution: Ask open-ended questions that truly seek their perspective (“What do you think about what happened with your sister?”). This shows respect for their thought process and helps them develop independent reasoning.
Pitfall: Asking “Closed” Questions
Questions that can be answered in a single word (“yes” “no” “fine”) are not effective conversation starters and don’t encourage kids to think more deeply.
Solution: Use open ended questions. Rather than “How was your day?” try “What was the funniest thing that happened today?” or “Tell me about something you learned in science class.”
Pitfall: Using Questions to Interrogate
Turning every conversation into an investigation will shut down a conversation quickly, especially if you are asking about sensitive subjects, or if a child is worried that a truthful answer will get them in trouble.
Solution: Balance questions with sharing your own experiences and observations. Make it a back-and-forth dialogue, express genuine curiosity, and allow yourself to show that you are influenced by your child’s experiences and perspective. “I never thought about it that way.” “That makes sense to me.” Make sure your child knows that they won’t get in trouble for answering honestly.
Pitfall: Poor Timing
Asking about important, deep, or sensitive topics when children are tired, hungry, or overwhelmed doesn't often lead to meaningful conversation.
Solution: Learn your child's rhythms, read their body language, and choose moments when they're relaxed and receptive. For many children, this might be during a car ride, while doing an activity together, or after they've had time to decompress after school.
Pitfall: Dismissing Your Child’s Emotions
Asking questions that minimize your child’s feelings (“Why are you crying? It's not that bad, is it?”) will result in children sharing less.
Solution: Acknowledge emotions first, then ask questions that help understand them better (“I see you're feeling upset. Would you like to tell me what happened?”). This validates their feelings while opening the door for discussion.
Pitfall: Only Asking About Problems
Focusing questions exclusively on challenges, concerns, or negative behaviors.
Solution: Balance problem-focused questions with ones about joys, achievements, and interests. “What made you proud today?” is just as important as “What did you find challenging?” Celebrating failures and struggles also helps normalize those experiences, and build resilience and persistence.
Pitfall: The “Why” Overload
Relying too heavily on “why” questions, which can feel demanding or judgmental (“Why did you do that?” “Why didn't you speak up?”)
Solution: Rephrase questions to be more exploratory and less confrontational. Instead of “Why did you hit your brother?” try “What happened before you got angry?” or “How were you feeling when this started?” This approach invites reflection rather than defensiveness.
Remember–the best questions and conversations will not only build stronger connections between you and your child, but will help you understand their perspective and help them reflect on, understand, and learn from their experiences.
Questions: For Adults Get to Know a Child or Teen Better
Friends:
- Who are your closest friends?
- What things do you do with them?
- How have your friendships changed since when you were younger?
- What makes someone a good friend?
- Have you ever had to stop being friends with someone? What was that like?
Relationships:
- Are you in a relationship? If so what do you like about your significant other?
- What have you learned about yourself while in this relationship?
- What things do you do together?
School:
- What are your favorite parts of school?
- What are your least favorite parts of school?
- If you could make school better, what would you change about it?
- What are your thoughts about grades? Are they helpful or harmful for kids to learn?
Family:
- What does your family value?
- What are your family traditions?
- What are your favorite things to do with your family?
- What makes a “family”?
- What things do you want to do differently with your family in the future?
Personal:
- What are the things you like about yourself?
- What are things you’re working on improving? How are you doing that?
- What do you like to do for fun?
- When do you feel happiest?
- When do you feel sad?
- What do you worry about?
- What do you do to cope with your feelings?
- What are you most looking forward to?
- What are you most proud of this past year?
Culture / Current Events:
- What are your favorite shows? Why?
- What social media do you use? What do you like about it? How does it work?
- Social media is associated with teen depression, do you think that impacts you?
- What are the positive things you’ve experienced about social media?
- What are the things that my generation doesn’t understand about your generation?
- How does your generation view mental illness?
- How does your generation view gender?
- Are you the same person in all the different areas of your life… with your parents, friends, school, on social media? How do you manage all these different identities?
Discussion Questions: For Adults to Connect With Young Kids
Imagination:
- If you could design your perfect day from start to finish, what would it look like?
- If you could instantly become an expert at something, what would you choose?
- If you could create a new holiday, what would it celebrate and how would people celebrate it?
Problem Solving:
- What's something that seemed really hard at first but you figured out how to do?
- If you could create a new rule that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? If you could solve one problem in the world right now, what would you fix?
- What's something that happened recently that made you feel really proud of yourself?
Friends and Familiy:
- What's the kindest thing someone did for you recently? What's the kindest thing you did for someone else?
- What makes someone a good friend? Who do you admire for being a good friend?
- If you could switch places with anyone in your family for a day, who would it be and why?
- What's something you wish grown-ups understood better about kids?
Education:
- If you could change one thing about your school/neighborhood, what would it be?
- If you could start a new club or team at school, what what would it be about?
- If you could teach everyone in the family something you're good at, what would you teach?
- If you could have dinner with anyone from history, who would you choose and what would you ask them?
Self Reflection:
- What's something you're looking forward to when you're older? What's something you want to enjoy about being your current age?
- What's something that happened today that you wish could have gone differently?
- What's the most challenging part of being your age? What's the most awesome part?
Discussion Questions: For Adults to Connect With Teens
Personal Growth:
- What's something you've read, watched, or listened to lately that made you think differently about something?
- What's something that seemed really important to you a year ago that feels different now?
- What's a decision you're proud of making recently, even if others might not understand it?
- What's something you've changed your mind about recently, and what led to that change?
- If you could have a conversation with your future self 10 years from now, what would you ask?
Future Planning and Education:
- If you could create the perfect work-life balance for your future, what would it look like?
- If you could instantly master any skill that would help you right now, what would it be?
- What's something you're curious about but haven't had the chance to explore yet?
- If you could design a new course for your school, what would it be about?
- If you could design the perfect way to learn something new, what would that look like?
Social Issues:
- What's a social issue you wish more people your age cared about?
- What's something about your generation that you think older generations often misunderstand? What's something about your daily life that you wish adults understood better?
- What's a stereotype about teenagers that you feel really doesn't apply to you or your friends?
Technology:
- If you could change one thing about how technology affects relationships, what would it be?
- If you could create a new platform or app that would actually improve people's lives, what would it do?
Family and Friends:
- If you could create a new tradition for our family/friend group, what would it be?
- What's something about your friendships now that's different from a few years ago?
- What's a boundary you wish you could set with people, but find it hard to express?
- What's a skill or talent you have that you don't think most people know about?
Final Thoughts: Tips For Using These Questions With Kids and Teens
- Choose casual moments like car rides or while doing an activity together
- Avoid turning it into an interrogation; let one question lead naturally to conversation
- Be prepared for brief answers initially; show patience and genuine interest
- Share your own relevant experiences when appropriate, but avoid dominating the conversation
- Respect their privacy if they don't want to elaborate on certain topics
- Listen without trying to solve problems or give advice
- Acknowledge their emotions and perspectives as valid, even if you disagree
- Be prepared for answers that might challenge your assumptions
- Follow up on previous conversations to show you remember and care
- Create a judgment-free zone where they feel safe sharing honest thoughts and that they won’t get in trouble for sharing an uncomfortable truth
The key is to ask these questions with genuine curiosity and openness, showing kids and teens that you truly care about hearing their perspective and respect their growing autonomy.
I want to hear how using these questions works out for you! Leave a comment and let me know below.
