When your child is struggling, do you immediately go into self-blame mode?
A lot of parents feel that they are to blame if their child is acting out or not listening..
We take our child’s behaviors personally and shame ourselves for not being a ‘better parent.’
We might think that other parents (or teachers) are looking at us critically, and the weight of parenting rests heavily on our shoulders.
I’m going to tell you something about parenting and you might not believe me.
But I want you to consider, just for today…
Your child’s behavior is not a reflection of you.
I know this is a radical and counterintuitive concept. This isn’t what society teaches us (especially moms) and it may go against that voice in your head that says, “this is your fault.”
But what if your child’s behavior isn’t your fault? (Maybe it isn’t even their fault?)
A therapist that Jason and I worked with said that, “Self-blame stops self-growth”.
If blame stops growth, what can we do when we start blaming ourselves for our children’s actions? How can we change self-critical thoughts into more positive ones?
When you find yourself in a cycle of self-blame surrounding your child’s behavior, here are some powerful affirmations you can say to yourself instead.
As you read through this list, don’t try to remember all of them. Just pick your favorite and start saying it to yourself today. You’ll be amazed how a simple mindset shift can change the way you react to your child’s behavior.
Sixteen Powerful Parenting Affirmations: Changing From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion
- My child is not giving me a hard time, they are having a hard time.
- Being in a family is how we learn to get along.
- Parenting is the most important thing I will do all day.
- I am safe.
- My kids know that I love them.
- My child doesn’t need a perfect parent. Kids just need “good enough” parents.
- I cannot control anyone else, I can only control myself.
- This is what it looks like before it all works out.
- I am not responsible for my child’s actions; I am responsible for how I respond.
- We will get through this together.
- I’m trying the best I can.
- I’m only human.
- I’m still learning.
- This is what it looks like for today.
- I am not alone.
- A lot of other parents also struggle with this.
After you choose one, write it on a sticky note, put it on your mirror, and say it to yourself every time you see it. If you slip into self-blame anytime during the week, say it to yourself again. (Next week you can choose a different affirmation and continue practicing these steps.)
I’d love to hear which affirmation you found most helpful! Share it in the comments section below.
I had a challenging situation buying food for my dog in the pet store yesterday. My very lovely, bright, curious, high-energy and nuerodivergent children were so excited to be in there, breaking all the implicit rules, running around, touching things, showing me everything they wanted me to buy -being kids! We were just about to leave. Knowing they are a lot, I am of course rapidly trying to find the dog food and get out of there, when a sales associate comes up to me and tells me all the things they are doing, and that they can’t do in the store. It was not being delivered in a very kind way. I am used to this response to my children by now. This is who they are in the world. It doesn’t happen most of the time. Many people take the moment to engage with them and see how full of life they are. I love them for it, and it doesn’t always fit into what is “acceptable”. The associate was essentially telling me, “control your children.” I felt so much shame, and it has been a long week few weeks, with kids home sick, and bouncing off the walls. It hurt. I felt judged. It made me feel mad at my kids. And I knew I just needed a break. I didn’t have it in me to hold the bigger picture, I just really didn’t want to be judged in that moment. I also thought how funny it is for people to presume that kids can just be controlled.
Anyways, I very much appreciate this today and the affirmation that helped me as I was still carrying the mental weight of this experience was, “This is what it looks like, before it all works out”. Having nuerodivergent kids, I am familiar with a desperation that comes in moments, wondering if somehow they will never learn, and that this experience, of it being so hard to just pop-in and grab some dog food, will be our life forever. And, I have had enough of these experiences to know, that these are just bumps in the road, that nudge me into caring for myself better, reducing pressure and demand on ME, and remembering how many times I thought we’d never be able to do something, and then my lovely kids learn (and I learn), and grow and share their light, bright curiosity with others in the world.
Thank you for being my inbox today!! I needed this :)
Janina, I love what you wrote here. Thanks for being in MY inbox too. And thank you for sharing your journey on this adventure that we call “parenting”. XOX, you got this!!