I’m going to talk about something that I’ve never talked about publicly before… a time when I had a meltdown.
And I’ve got a 5-sentence mini-script that you can say whenever you are about to lose it. Seriously, it’s gold!
First the story, I rarely talk about, when I really lost my 💩.
I remember one time when the girls were little. We were trying to get into the car to get home from the grocery store.
They started fighting. I can’t even remember what they were fighting about; all I remember was feeling exhausted and frustrated.
So I took the balloon that they had gotten from the grocery story and…
I had a mommy meltdown.
I popped their balloon… on purpose… to “get back” at them for fighting.
And then I felt awful.
Not one of my best moments…
And just now, I got off the phone with one of my private coaching clients, Stacey.
Stacey’s son dropped his iPod by accident and the screen broke. When her husband got mad, she got mad too (and sad and worried).
So, she had a mommy meltdown and dropped her son’s iPod again on the floor.
We’ve all be there. Right, sister? When the oatmeal really hits the fan?
And there is a quick and simple thing that Stacey and I could have done to nurture our own child, and ourselves.
It’s a 5-sentence mini-script that you can say to stop (or prevent) the Mommy Meltdown.
Here it is…
“I’m having some really big feelings right now.
It’s not because of you.
We’re going to get through this together.
I’m going to take a couple of minutes to take care of myself.
And then, I’ve got a really big hug for you if you want it.”
It’s good enough to print out or copy to a sticky note and put it on your wall, right?
That’s what I’m doing.
And Stacey is too.
Write in the comments below if you’re going to put the mini-script on a sticky note.
Are you in the “Sticky Note Club”?
XOX
Your Friend,
Cecilia
I just wrote this down and will use it! Thanks.
Great! Hope it helps!
Thank you for sharing your helpful story and mini-script. Rather than saying “I’m going to take a couple of minutes to take care of myself”, I say to my son “I’m going to take a copule of minutes to do my breathing”. Sometimes when my son sees that I am angry he says to me “Dad, I think you need to do your breathing”, which makes me smile and really helps.
That’s lovely, Tim! Thanks for sharing your story!
Thank you so much for sharing this story Cecilia! I have done the very same thing (popping a balloon in anger when the kids were fighting over it). And then immediately felt like an awful parent. I feel so much better to know that even parenting guru’s have these moments. It is so comforting and reassuring to know that perfection in parenting is neither humanly possible (nor even desirable). Your emails and blogs really help me to stay on track with being the parent I aspire to be. Thank you! X
I’m so glad that we’ve been helpful to you! And, yes, we ALL have our moments… just ask my kids! :)
I did the self timeouts a lot .. but without this kind words .. Next time I will say the so my kids feel more loved and aceepted.. Thank you real cecilia for your honesty
Doha, that’s great! Doing self timeouts is a wonderful practice and when we explain what is happening to our kids then they have more understanding for us, and can avoid blaming themselves!
Hello. I have a problem with the parts of the script that say “it’s not because of you” and (to some extent) “we’re going to get through this together”. I like everything else a lot and appreciate hearing that I’m not the only one who gets meltdowns :-)
That being said my meltdowns are because of unacceptable behavior from my kid so it’s not truthful if I say it’s not because of… And about the getting through this together portion, it will take such cooperation from my kid that I don’t know it will happen (together that is).
I very much appreciate the language of telling my child I need a few minutes to take care of myself plus having a big optional hug afterwards (doing my calming plan helps me a lot). But I’m going to skip the aforementioned parts (for now and until i can come up with something that doesn’t feel false to me).
This is a great topic, Alix. Bottom line: If the mini-script doesn’t feel authentic for you then feel free to change it to suit you!
The “it’s not because of you” part is referring to the belief that I hold that other people are not responsible for my feelings. I choose how to respond, even in tough situations. Not everyone agrees with me on this one! So just leave that part out if it doesn’t ring true for you.
Ultimately we don’t want to give our kids the message that “I’m angry/sad/worried and it’s your fault” because that leads to kids believing that they are responsible for our feelings. If kids think they are responsible for our feelings they will likely share less with us because they don’t want to cause us to be angry/sad/worried.
For me “getting through this together” just means that we’re going to talk about it at some point and see if we can find something that is a win-win for both of us. Even if I end up setting a limit, “I’m not willing for you to play on the computer any longer” I’m going to work together with my child to understand her feelings and her experience “It’s ok if you are mad right now, I know it’s really hard to stop playing. You were having so much fun, but it’s time for bed.”
Hope that is more clear. Thanks for your great comment!
Hey Cecilia. Thanks for taking the time to respond and explaining some more. I see better now the intent of those parts I had issues with. It’s true that my kid has not communicated/shared with me in many instances because of not wanting me to be mad (mostly). I did the same with my parents… This is giving me good food for thought because I do believe that although my kid’s behavior causes big emotions in me, I ultimately want bigger self control in how I respond/react. I also want to keep the door open for resolving the problem in a win-win manner. Thank you again for this!
Alix, that’s wonderful! I’m so glad you’ve shared these great insights!
THANK YOU!!!!!! This couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been my cool on a regular basis (sad to admit). I’m definitely going to stick this in several places especially my car where they realise I emotionally unavailable.
Awesome, Karen! Let me know how it works! xox
Thanks for sharing the script. I’ve just had a couple of meltdowns this week and I must do something to avoid them. I will definetly try it soon.
Good timing! Let me know how the script works for you! xox
I’m actually going to commit this to memory – usually I have my head with me… and I’m going to put it on my phone too… sticky notes and even my mind might not be with me in the moment, but my phone always is… and then I’m going to put it in a few places that I most often meltdown. I feel better already – thank you!
Added bonus… given the way things can go for me and how much like sponges my boys are, perhaps one day they will deliver this same speech to me… and then to each other… and then (a version anyway) to their friends… spouses… children…
What a world it would be if we could all use this…
Sweet version of ‘I love me and I love you.’
Yes! Ratika, your sweet boys WILL start saying this. Thank you for helping change the world! xox
Hello, what if the child is almost 2 years old and doesnt give us these 2 minutes. Cause all I hear all day is mommy mommy mommy.
Thank you
When kids are young it can be hard to get away. Certainly you want to make sure your child is safe and explain beforehand where you are going and what you are doing and when you’ll be back, so your child doesn’t get scared. And if you can’t get away then–DONT’T–you can practice calming and self care right there. Say “I’m going to take a couple minutes and take care of myself right here next to you.” Close your eyes, breathe, etc and role model for your child.