Hello there,
Have you even been trying to help your child through a tough moment and she turns on you in a tantrum and hits, kicks, pinches, or lashes out with her words? Maybe you offered kind words or a suggestion and she flipped out. What do you do then?
“All attack is a cry for help.” –Neale Donald Walsch
Last night our chickens flipped out. Even though they are in a fully enclosed hen house, when two raccoons came for a midnight snack, the chickens freaked out. They made a huge racket–squawking, clucking, and flying all around their little coup–though they were in no real danger. After the raccoons lumbered off, the only thing Jason could do to calm the chickens down was for him to whistle to them in the same calming way that he always does. His special whistle tells them, “You’re all right. Go back to sleep. You are safe now.”
So what can chickens teach us about kids?
I’ll use an example from the classroom. Years ago a boy really wanted to play with some of the other kids. Unfortunately this little guy often chose ways to connect with the others that were not effective—hitting them, interrupting them, spitting, or making really loud sounds. Other kids didn’t like this and would come to me or us for help.
When he saw that he had not only been unsuccessful at getting someone to play with him but he’d also gotten the attention of the teacher, he would often lash out, even though I was not there to punish him, I was there to help him.
Sometimes kids will flip their lid, just like the freaked out chickens who perceived a danger when there really was none. Sadness, disappointment, anger take over.
Remember that your child is acting from the emotional part of her brain. During a tantrum she’s hijacked. The emotional parts have temporarily disconnected her from the higher thinking, reasoning, problem solving parts of her brain. Your attempts to reason with her, offer suggestions, or solutions will literally “fall on deaf ears”.
So here’s the “special whistle”—just like Jason has with the chickens—that helps a child to calm down:
- Rather than trying to reason with your child, connect with the part of her child’s brain that IS activated—the emotional side. The emotional part of the brain speaks a language that is mostly non-verbal. Communicate to your child with words AND with:
Eye contact
Facial expression
Tone of voice
Gesture
Body language
- Say with your words and your actions, “I’m here to help. I see you want to play with your friends.” You might be concerned with this approach because you haven’t addressed any of the “problem behaviors”—the hitting, spitting, loud noises, etc. Will the child think that spitting and screaming is okay? No, because by talking to a child about what he wants, you can also address what you and the other kids need, in this case, that need is for safety. Read on.
- Once your child is calm. You can start talking about solutions.
Adult: “You want to play and those kids don’t like it when you make really loud noises. What DO they like?”
Child: “They like to play basketball.”
Adult: “Ok, play basketball with them!”
Child: “No, I don’t know how. I can’t do it.”
Adult: “I wonder if they would teach you?” Ask the other kids, “Will you teach him to play basketball?”
Other kids: “Yes!”
- **Exception*** If your child is so upset that he is attempting to hurt you, others, or destroy things, first you need to protect. Most often this means talking to him in a calm voice explaining, “I’m here to help you make friends. I don’t want to be hit. I’m going to wrap my arms around you and give you a big bear hug.” Using physical force like this can often enflame a child’s mood, so use this technique sparingly, for the least amount of time possible, with the least amount of force needed, explaining what you are going to do each step of the way.
It can be very difficult (maybe impossible) to do all these steps when you, as the adult, are in a hijacked state. Speak to your own brain lovingly, even take a few seconds before you respond to your child, so that you can harness the highest parts of your brain and yourself!
Did these steps ever create a little miracle in your family? We’d love to hear from you in the comments section. We read each one of them.
To the highest parts of you,
Cecilia and Jason (who speaks “fowl language”) Get it? Hehehe!
