So many times I enter into a conversation with my kids and I have an unspoken, secret agenda. But I do my best parenting when I’m not attached to getting my way, when I’m curious and ask lots of open ended questions. It’s not a coincidence that when I give up how I want things to turn out (I mean really give up) that I almost always get my way.
Our 8 year old, Ciera, wanted a pair of Heelys (those shoes with the wheels on the bottom) for Christmas. She really, really wanted them! Privately Jason and I talked around and around about it and decided that we didn’t want her to have them. We wanted her to get Converse high tops. Out of the blue, a few days before Christmas she tells me again about how much she wants Heelys and hopes she will get them. Instead of trying to convince her that Heelys were a bad idea, run my agenda to get my way, I used my best parenting skills. I was curious and asked questions.
I won’t replay the whole conversation but here are some of the things I said.
- You’ve talked about wanting Heelys for a while now. What are the things that you like most about them?
- Have you thought about how they would work at school?
- What are your plans for using Heelys in the classroom?
- What do other kids do with them on the climbing structure?
- How do other kids use them on the play ground?
- Will these shoes become a distraction from your school work? Why not?
- I’ve noticed that kids in the classroom above yours aren’t wearing Heelys. How will you feel if you were the only kid in the class next year with them on?
- In what places do Heelys work? What places do Heelys not work?
- Do you think that they are as versatile as other shoes?
We had a great conversation. I could tell that she’d thought a lot about how she was going to use shoes at school, home, and in the neighborhood. I understood her and appreciated not just how much she wanted the shoes but also how much her reasons made sense. I had grown so convinced that Heelys made sense that I changed my mind and was internally trying to figure out how to talk to Jason about it to address his concerns. I didn’t bring up the Converse high tops. I wasn’t trying to run my agenda. I wasn’t trying to help her see things my way or manipulate her thinking. I gave up my fears about safety and my other concerns.
Then, at the very end of the conversation, when I thought we were completely done talking, Ciera blurts out, “You know, I think I’d really like some Converse high tops better. I’ve changed my mind.”
Inside my head I jumped for joy.
More often than not, when I give up, my kids choose the thing that I wanted for them all along. Is this typical in areas of you life too? That as soon as you “give up” that you have the “right answer” it allows your kids to say, “yes” with freedom and without pressure or subtle manipulation.
When have you had this kind of experience? When have you given up your attachment to something and then, almost like magic (*poof!*) it showed up in your life or family or kids?
We’d love to hear from you. The real conversation happens in the comments and we read them all. Join the community and please share when you’ve had an experience like this one.
We’re all in this together!
Cecilia (and Jason)
