In our house, there are craft supplies covering the table, presents waiting to be wrapped, a tree that needs to be decorated and cards that need to be written. There is a heightened sense of gratitude, thinking of others, excitement and anticipation for time with extended family and friends.
And with all the fun and joy, I’m feeling some added stress for myself and our family.
Amidst the stress, there is one thing that I’m saying a lot to my kids right now when I (or they) are feeling frustrated, sad, or even angry – when we need more connection. I also shared these 4 words with one of my coaching clients. She used them with her young daughter during a big upset. And it worked beautifully….
The 4 words are…How can I help?
(And then you listen to the reply)
“How can I help?” works beautifully when kids are feeling angry, because anger is a cry for help. Anger is a social emotion. The purpose of anger is to get someone’s attention to help us! When someone offers help, the purpose of anger is fulfilled. The anger can go away… even before the problem is solved!
Yes, that’s right! You don’t need to solve the child’s problem for her anger to go away, she just needs to know you are available to help.
Even in situations without anger, “How can I help” is really useful….
Here are some examples about how I’ve used it to avoid common “hot spots” in our family (and one time when my daughter used it with me!)
When the kids are moving slowly in the morning and we are already late getting out the door.
Instead of getting upset with them for not getting out of bed earlier, I can say, “How can I help?” (and I listen to the answer). Then I help pack her lunch, or find her lost homework.
When the kids grab something unhealthy to eat because they “can’t find anything good”.
Instead of lecturing about food choices, I can say, “How can I help?” (and listen). Then I make a wrap sandwich and salad for them.
When my own mom is getting stressed about getting dinner on the table to feed the guests and extended family.
Rather than waiting for her to start snapping at people, I can say, “How can I help?” (and listen). Then I find enough spots for everyone to sit.
But here’s the best part….
When I was already late dropping off the gifts at church for the family we adopted for Christmas, our daughter said, “How can I help?” (and she listened). And she helped load everything into the car with me!
So for you, what situation during the holidays can you imagine asking your family, “How can I help?”
Sometimes when I offer help for my 7yrs old kid he started to get used of it and be lazy for doing his own stuff for example when we’re going out and he is slowly he asked”get me my shoes I’m tired can’t move” but when it comes to a play time he’s running all over the place! That runs me crazy!
Yes, it is frustrating. Sometimes I’ve said to my kids, “I’m willing to help if you are also working at the same time. I’m not willing to do this all by myself.” :)
Question. What happens if they are upset over something they can’t have or a demand that cannot be fulfilled? For example, requesting ps4 but cannot have it. I ask, how can I help and the answer is “let me do my ps4.” This is where I can see my defiant child taking it. And then I’m cornered.
Great question. You can say “Besides the PS4, is there anything I can do to help?” Just because a child wants something doesn’t mean that we have to provide it (They ask for a blue cup, but I only have a red cup, or they ask to fly to the moon!). Sometimes the most helpful thing is to empathize with them in these moments. “Yeah, you really have fun on the PS4 and you don’t like it when I say it’s time to stop. How can I help so that it’s not so hard to stop playing next time?”
When your child’s really angry and lashing out, eg with their sibling, if I ask ‘how can I help’, they would probably say ‘punch or kill him’, as they are already saying things like that in their explosion. How do you calm the kid down when they are so irrational and saying very violent things to a tipping point where they are saying hurtful things and ready for a physical fight?
Great question, Casey. In situations with physical or verbal conflict with my kids, I put my body between them and set a limit by saying “It’s not okay to hit, etc”. Sometimes my kids can talk right then and the “how can I help?” question is useful. Sometimes my kids need to take a break and I use the “how can I help?” question while they are taking their break, so that we can have a plan to come back together and talk it out.
If a child wants me to hurt another child I’ll say something like, “You are so mad that you want to hurt your brother. What are your hands trying to say to him?” Physical conflict is an attempt to communicate so asking kids what they are trying to communicate can be a way forward.
When my child’s getting very angry and being irrational, saying hurtful, violent things, ready to lash out, eg at their sibling, if I say ‘how can I help’, they will very likely say ‘punch or kill Him or are you deaf?’ as that’s what they have been yelling and screaming about. What can do to calm the child down and prevent them from hurting the other child physically or with their words and themselves?
I have asked them to take a break and calm down, so go somewhere else away from each other, but they both won’t back down and just keep standing there and an all out verbal fight, sometimes I can’t get there in time and there could be a pinch or a step on a foot.
Great question, Casey. In situations with physical or verbal conflict with my kids, I put my body between them and set a limit by saying “It’s not okay to hit, etc”. Sometimes my kids can talk right then and the “how can I help?” question is useful. Sometimes my kids need to take a break and I use the “how can I help?” question while they are taking their break, so that we can have a plan to come back together and talk it out.
If a child wants me to hurt another child I’ll say something like, “You are so mad that you want to hurt your brother. What are your hands trying to say to him?” Physical conflict is an attempt to communicate so asking kids what they are trying to communicate can be a way forward.
love this. simple. I often say do you need help/a hand but the answer is usually no. How can I help might just work…
And if they say “no” you can say “Ok, let me know if you change your mind. I’m here to help.” :)
I often find that I need to ask myself that question more than anyone else… :-/
I can’t help but think that if I asked someone in my family that, the response I’d get would be “nothing” because either they’re too distracted with whatever it is they’re trying to do that they don’t want to stop and think for a second about delegating or they’re too angry to allow me to help them. What do I do then?
I too find this kind of suggestion pretty scary, but I’ve found that the reason is my own “barren ground”. In other words, when I’m offering help or assistance or responding to tantrums from a place of stress and heightened emotional strain the result is disconnection and/or deepening of the other’s anger. But when I am calmer (because of self-care/taking a moment to allow and deal with my own response to the situation) there is much more connection.
If they say “nothing”, you can say “Ok, let me know if you change your mind. I’m here to help.”
This is wonderful! Such simple words, but just reading them calms me.
thank you.
I find these four words help when the kids are arguing also. It gives the message “I am offering to be a consultant. Do you want to hire me?” (The “hidden” C in the 3 C’s of Conflict Resolution)